Well, still no one to hear me, no one to care for me,no one to be here. I guess my life is truly over, there's no Love, no compassion, no great friend or person that's going to reach out and be there for me, no one to comfort me in my deep sorrow, no reason to be. The simplests of things evade me. I still wonder what happened. I wonder why no one cares, everyone, all they can say is things will get better. I sit here day after day after day with nothing to wake up to tomorrow. I have no money, not even a penny, I haven't been able to get my hair done, or go shopping, or go see a friend, or go to a movie, I don't have winter shoes, I don't have a way to go to be with my mom when she's in the hospital, I can't go to NC to put flowers on Shay's grave, d-m the tears are falling again. I really do not no how to express what not having a life is like….. I don't get to wash my hair very often and had to cut it off as to save shampoo, my shampoo has lasted a year, sometimes I don't have deodrant, until my poor mom can scratch together a few pennines so I can have some, I don't get to brush my teeth with toothpaste but 2 a week, otherwise I brush with the brush, I miss smelling good, feeling beautiful, I miss who I am, I miss smiling, I miss my makeup, primping, I miss the outdoors, I miss DRIVING, I miss friendships, I miss feeling physically healthy, I miss Love, children, the mountins, the blue ridge pwky, the sky, I miss smoked trout that I caught myself, I miss grilled food, I miss having a home with furnishings, decorating , entertaing, I miss knowing that tomorrow will be a day of doing something, anything ! I miss having electricity, I miss having a life with any quality, I miss the world……..
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I am proud of myself in that I stood up and was there to help save my partners life as well as take care of everything and everyone else, if i could just get a move into a life of value, I really belive that would help in my healing process. I am not one of those ppl that cannot be alone with themselves, I don't hate myself, I hate my lack of a life AND i HATE WHAT OTHERS HAVE DONE TO ME ! I hate the fact this man that was suppose to be there is now gone and left me to die after i saved his life, blah,blah,blah, I'm tired of the same old story. I am discusted with people and there lack of compassion where I'm at, I have seen ppl be compasionate for a poor injured animal, but not for the old man that lives next door that froze to death because no one cared to help him pay his bill, the money was laying on the table, he's now dead because no one cares, I've been told by the younger generation, no one cares, now I understand very well why they are the way they are, angry. It's not like i haven't cotributed to the ppl around me as I have lived my life is service of others, what i want to no is where are the others now that I am needy ? I have no car, because this man took it and left a man that did not have a vechicle except for mine to get around in for almost our entire relationship. Without transportation there's no way to get help, believe me I've stooped to begging to try to get better, I attack everyone who walks in the house to try to get help, I've went to my neighbors, I've called Church's, I've called homeless shelters, lawyers, doc's, I've called the anti-sucide line, I've made the effert not to give in to this mess, but now after 1 yr., and * months of living without anything, I'd like it to end. I'm almost 50 yrs old and have no health insurance, no collateral of any kind, no savings or checking acct., no401k, no vechicle, no electricity in my part of the house, blah,blah,blah, there's no reason to even get out of bed tomorrow, I can sleep all day, stay up all night, I can hope to get a shower , I can take care of mom, yeah for me ! I can't even afford to be bureid ! Sorry I'm ranting. I guess its god at least its a different emotion. Lol. Thank You both for at least replying to me, it means alot, no really it does. : ) I hope you both will be blessed with so much health and happiness u want no what to do !
Matt, I so LOVE what you are saying. I read there are 2 forms of Self Validation, 1- the one oneself gives ones selve and 2- the one others give ones self. What's one without the other, as in we all are set to function in the world you cannot live in this world without others. We as a ppl need certain basic things, yes from others, its unfortunate but true. Otherwise I'd like to move into the Mts and learn to live on my own, but the world doesn't allow you to be own your own. You haft to meet certain requirements to be socially accepted, to make a living, to be sucessful, etc. I Love the line where you say" I am excellent in ways…….. that's so beautiful and expresses what I say about my situation all the time. I tell ppl this is my situation not me, look past the situation and see what I could be. I didn't get her on my own, alone, but now I am own my on and very alone. I go back and forth between is this good or bad, I think in away it's good to be alone,only if I could take care of myself and have a life……… Thank You for responding, Matt
Matt, I or we didn't have alot of money in the mts., and that was ok, we worked construction and cleaned houses,but that was ok, i in fact became a kick but fisherman, nothing fancy a pole and a worm, lol. Alittle money is way better than no money as you cannot live without some form of money, cash,credit, food stamps, whatecer it is, that's life as it is. Oh come on pay for it, lol. Dianne. : )