haven't written in a couple of days but i just haven't been quite up to it. Don't want to write anything just for the sake of writing. would prefer to write if it's cathartic, or inspirational or i need advice, counsel or support.
To date (1 yr, 10 months) i haven't cried over my status change and for some reason many people think and say that i should but i honestly don't see the point in it. I can say that i have gotten angry over it and i feel things more acutely. i guess these last couple of days can be said to have been angry ones. i observe others and i get bitter at times. though i can narrow my infection period down to a six month window i can't imagine who infected me. Not that that is important now because knowing wouldn't change anything. i keep telling myself that the person who did is unaware of their status because it nakes my situation more tolerable. i can't picture someone purposefully putting another at risk because that is not something that ii would be capable of and i like to think the best of others….plus i always asked my sexual partners about there status because were i to engage in any sexual activity with someone who said they were i would have taken additional precautions such as post exposture meds if i felt it was warranted…or maybe i would have been an ignorant asshole and simply change my mind out of fear of possible exposure no matter how minute the chance. it's hard to predict how i would have reacted because i was never given the opportunity…everyone i had ever had sexual contact with, up to that point, had always said they were negative and i know now that obviously at least one wasn't.
now i feel like even the best precautions are inadequate because after years of following the safe sex rules shit still happens and that frightens me to the extent that i feel that if i were to date again that it would only be with another positive person. in that case i wouldn't run the risk of outright rejection or the possibility of accidentily infecting someone else. maybe i'll grow out of that fear but for now that's how i feel and i know myself well enough that i wouldn't be able to endure the guilt at this stage of my life. maybe when i work past my own demons and feel at ease in my new skin i'll view things differently. All i can say is that i ask for your patience because i'm a work in progress and also i hope no one is offended by my blogs but if i can't express myself here then where can i?