So I started smoking. Such a healthy habit if I do say myself… I started about a week ago. My car wouldn't start and my mother and I got in a big arguement to which she stated that she wouldn't help me in fixing it. That I was all on my own. Which one of the reasons why she said that in the first place was because I said I had a plan. But let's be honest, I'm a little new at this whole adult life here and my plan sucked. So when she came in with her plan, yes it was better. But honestly that wasn't the point. And I got a little mad at her because I mean, I came up with this plan and she just totally ignores it. Like I'm trying to be an adult, you told me to be an adult, and yet when I finally do, you sit there and disregard my attempts. So I get mad, she got mad, and told me she wouldn't help me and I can just go on with my plan. So I went to the bowling alley with my boyfriend (because he's a dork and he's in this whole bowling league) to calm down after the fight. But the problem was, I wasn't calm by the time that I had to go home. Actually just the thought of going home made me more stressed than I had ever be in my life at that point (which is saying a lot because I take a lot of AP classes). Not only stressed but depressed and suicidal. I knew when he dropped me off at my house, I would have ended up cutting myself. Or worst. I knew it.

And so I asked for a cigarrette. And coughed up a lung because his were strong. Which led me in asking him to take me to the gas station to buy some of my own. I wanna say I don't smoke a lot but let's be honest. I smoke more than a beginner should. Especially when I'm not at home. Because I'm hiding it from my mother. Yes I'm 18 now. And yes she smokes as well so there isn't much for her to say. But the thing is, I've been this huge anti smoker my whole life. All my family dies of lung cancer. They all smoke. It's not good for you. I know it's not good for you. But honestly…. I felt that I had no other choice at that point. Which is better, smoking or cutting?

I'm sitting in the dark at two in the morning. Everyone is asleep. I'm in the living room… I've already had one cigarette and I'm wanting another. I don't know if it's because I get lights and maybe I'm just not feeling anything with them anymore or if it's because I'm just that done with this situation. I spent the night at my boyfriend's last night… And frankly it was heaven. I got off work at 10 and instead of heading straight there (like my mother would have forced me to do), I hung out with a couple friends and went to Ihop and Walmart. I got there at about one in the morning which never would fly would mother. And I hung out with him and a couple of his friends. One of them got plastered while the others were merely buzzed (my bf laid off the alcohol since I was there). It was rather entertaining to say the least. We went to bed when we wanted and I got to wake up at noon for the first time in god knows how long. I had eggs for breakfast (they had sugar in them. It was interesting) and I just hung out with him again before going to the bowling alley and heading home. I was not doing anything illegal. I was not doing anything bad for me (aside from smoking). I was responsible and free.

And it felt amazing.

At my house I feel like I'm trapped in a cage and it's so small that I can hardly breath. There is someone nagging up my butt to do the chores in the limited amount of free time that I do have, while still reminding me how bad of a failure I am. I have three new siblings that I have to deal with, all of which are spoiled little brats. And I have a recovering drunk who likes to sneak alcohol, thinking my mother won't find it. I want to get out of here but I know that I can physically not afford to do so. And I also know that my car is not actually under my name. Nor do I have my own insurance. That is under a list of things that I need to figure out. Because if I stay here any longer…


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