not really excpecting anyone to read this….just hoping to put my thoughts down in words.

its been a hard couple of weeks, i was doing well off of medication and was hoping to maintain but due to outside circumstances beyond my control my anxiety is worse now than it has ever been, as well as the addition of depressive symptoms now. to say i am frustrated would be a extreme understatement. i have not had a good nights sleep in over a month, luckily i know have been prescribed trazadone for sleep but it still takes up to an hour to fall asleep and the last two morning i have woken up very early in the morning and have struggled to get back to sleep. i feel that if i could just sleep, and now worry about being up at all hours of the night, it would greatly improve my outlook…but i feel like i have no control…

i have been suffering from anxiety for years but have always had it under better control than i do now. i have had 3 panic attacks in the last 24 hrs, one of which woke me up in the middle of the night. I do not want to be alone as i feel that if someone is with me i might be able toget my mind of the constant anxiety, however, i am home alone all day as i do not have a job. my husband works every day and i only have a few friends in the area, many of which have full time jobs, I have a dog to keep me company but he as well is a constant source of anxiety as i worry about every little thing he does, wondering if he is sick or hurt. today i found a growth between his toes and my anxiety is telling me that it must be the worst possible situation (cancer)…this is the third time in 6 months that i have made this assumption and while i know it is likely not the case, that small possibility that it is, is totally freaking me out.

the last few days have been the longest day of my life, not for any reason but the constant fear of flipping out and the thought that i will always feel this way. I was prescribed medication yesterday to ease my anxiety and depression symptoms however they will not start working until 3 to 4 weeks from now…i do not see how i am going to make it until then.

i am frustrated with myself, with the situation, and with the issue that caused this anxiety to return so forcefully. one of the few people who would understand me is the cause of this recent bout of anxiety, and my family has been going through a stressful time (concerning thesame person) so i do not feel like i can burden them. i feel like i need an escape but there is none. i want to go to my parents house but i know i will be just as upset there, and my husband wont be there to help me. i want to go to my in laws house just to be around someone but i dont want to burden them or make them feel uncomfortable.

i know that if i can just make it through the next few weeks i will feel better…its just hard when every hour of every day is a struggle to maintain composure and sanity.

I

5 Comments
  1. lcfc68 10 years ago

    yeh i know and experience similer things to urself its very scarey n worrying time.. hope you feel better soon…

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  2. kaustin 10 years ago

    thank you, its nice to know im not alone 🙂 good news for the day is my little guys growth is just a absess…no cancerous cells!

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  3. dcstranger 10 years ago

    It\'s very hard and to say that you won\'t feel no anxiety at all or no panic attacks at all…I would be lying but samiais right, give yourself nothing but projects to do…small or big, something to help keep your mind off of the things that bother you…I say make an effort when you can to see those who will let you be around but for the most distraction is your only friend sometimes, I\'ve been where your at and still go through the whole song and dance of anxiety and panic attacks, what\'s helped me is making the best of everything…wether its doing a puzzle, taking a longer shower..cleaning, I manage to pass as much time as possible…because I too do t work at the moment and time is a killer, but I manage and I know you can too….it don\'t seem like it but it won\'t always be this way 🙂
    Hope you find your comfort.

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  4. Tired_of_This 10 years ago

    Hang in there…. If you can be around people right now you should probably make the effort.

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  5. kaustin 10 years ago

    thank you for all your comments. they were all very helpful. i have been keeping busy with whatever i can, it is really tiring but it has been helpful. i have a lot of books on anxiety that ive been reading and some have excersizes to keep you in the moment and from thinking of your problems and worries. i have always been easily frustrated by puzzles but the sudoku is actually a great thing to think about and become frustrated about, rather than the anxiety.

    thanks for the support.

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