I’m at a crossroads with my identity. I feel like i’m both genders in one body, but at the same time, i feel more masculine than feminine. All the time. I honestly feel like my gender identity is a bobbing spindle needle that is constantly in the middle; in between masculine and feminine.
There are some days that i feel this needle slams down to the feminine side and on those days; i want to be a pretty girl and wear makeup and dresses and just look nice. But as soon as i do that, the needle slams back down hard on the masculine side of the spectrum and all i want to do is be as boyish as possible.
I feel like the needle is always in the more masculine side of the specturm, but these ‘feminine phases’ i go through….they bother me. If i go through with them, i have to be seen in public with full makeup, a wig, a dress; the whole ordeal. And after i get done with the phase, i feel great; like i can be myself again. But as soon as the next day comes, i feel like shit and that that ‘phase’ i went through was the biggest cover up lie in my life.
I’m okay being masculine and bisexual; it feels natural to me and comfortable. But when these ‘feminine phases’ pass through, if i don’t go through with them, they eat at the edges of mind like an annoying bug. I don’t like that i can’t figure out why these phases happen or when they will happen.
I don’t really know if i’m transgender because of these phases, but after i have them…the desire to hide the fact that i hade these phases is overwhelming. I cry so much after i go through with them.
I guess i’m writing this to find out if there are any other people out there that hqve gone through this or are currently going through it. Just knowing i’m not alone would be great.
Uta
I know a man who has a hobby of crossdressing. I say it is a hobby for him because he doesn’t have any doubts about his gender, and he doesn’t connect his choice of clothing with his sense of gender. But he is fascinated with wearing dresses and/or lingerie and it is enjoyable for him and he wishes he could share that enjoyment with others without anyone reading too deeply into it or judging him and differently than a person who collects model trains or who likes working on cars.
The significant point here is that you don’t have to be a female to dress like one, and you can dress like one while still being a male.
For me, the only issue here is that it bothers you. If you are sure this has nothing to do with social judgments or pressure, perhaps this might be an OCD behaviour and not a result of your gender situation at all. You’re the only one who can discover the answer.