why would it matter that i constantly want to die, that i really dont want to be here anymore and havnt for some time, i hardley remember a time when i genuinly did want to be alive… but i seem so addamant that iw ont do anything and so sure i wont do that to my mum, that being suicidal not only seems pointless and futile but anoying and stupid another thing to piss me off another thing that funnily enough adds to my distaste for life.

i seem to want so much from my life, i seem so bad to want change and all that, to stop drinking, stop using, stop self harming have a gf, save, travel… all the things that im ment to want… but nothing ever seems to change, not enough anywas, sure ive cut down on many things, but my thoughts are still pretty much the same?

i miss her more than ever, i want to be with her more than ever. but of cours, that isnt about to happen, i knnow this.. this isnt tv or the movies. because if it was, ide see her spirit, or ide wake up froma dream, or she would be here maybe just in a different body. or ide win lotto and pretend i was rich and happy

persistnce, or whatever its called, and whatever might be true, but i hate feeling like this i really do, i just want somthing to let up.. and of course as usal its up to one person, and even if it wasnt just up to me, that would involve letting someone in, or even just talking to someone? i dont know

i reallyy fucking dont.

i never wanted to make 17… dont really want to see 27 or 30.. but ive only got 7 days till 27… so that ones not gonna work it is… maybe if im lucky i;ll figure it out by 28 and run away, run away from this state, country or breathing body

really…. whatever