You know what I’d love? I’d love to, when I do something good, acutally think that I have done something good. As soon as I do something good, I automatically think of all the bad things, and they eventually out number the good. I wish my brain would co-operate with me just every now and then. That would make me happy.

I’m very dissapointed in myself. For two main reasons, 1- I drunk last night. I drank almost a full bottle of wine. I got to the point where I ended up just passing out. I ended up only getting about 5 hours sleep, and it wasn’t good sleep. It was alcohol induced sleep. I may have irritated the people in chat.. sorry about that.. i’m sure the regulars that know me, would know to get used to it. 2- I skipped class again today. I went into town, to the libary and read a bit of a book I have already read. I almost fell asleep in the libarary if it wasn’t for the group of children that were reading an incredibly anoying book out loud. When I was sitting in the libarary, I looked at the few books that where on the table in front of me. Obviously someone had starting to read them. The strange thing was the books were about depression. One was stories of people who have survived depression, the other was about how to deal with depression. I took them, started reading. I don’t know if it was a good thing or not, but I was hardly able to keep my focus. I was just so tired.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about class. I have classes tomorrow. I’m so scared of going again. I’m such an idiot. I wish I could just get through one day of feeling.. ok.. ok would be enough for me.

I’m feeling very bad tonight. Well I thats nothing new. I got a packet of meds out, and a bottle of water. I was deciding weather or not to take them all.  I just want to sit here and scream at the top of my lungs. I want to just punch a wall. Break my arm. Slam my head into a brick wall. Just something to get it out of me. Get that demon that just wants to kill me. I’m affraid that he’ll win. I’m not strong enough to fight. I’m weak and stupid, and just.. not .. right.

Why is the simple things always the hardest to achieve. Is happiness an achievable goal? or is it something that it totally unrealistic. I. don’t. know.

On a slightly amusing note, when I was on the bus today, I seen an elderly lady peeing on the footpath! hmmm… eww.

I didn’t like to like this song. When I was listening to it today.. I actually listened.  I like this song now. I like it cause I am walking alone. All I have is shadows..

Song I’m listening to ATM:

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams- Green Day.

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a…

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone…

 

 

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