So, as always, I woke up sick.  I keep waking up earlier than I should, and feeling like shit.  My life has hit intolerable levels, in terms of drama.  I am not good at dealing with that sh*t, these days.  Stress makes my stomach worse, so, lately I have been cramping like mad.  I see the G.I. doc on the 5th – it takes forever to get into see specialists.  This week I have to see my regular doc.  I need to go ahead and make that appointment.  I procrastinate like a mother [email protected]

So, Steve called yesterday, and I didn’t really want to get into it, after I accidentally answered the phone – didn’t recognize the number.  I was so fed up with the situation.  He was all, “you don’t really think dude sent me there to get you high?”  I don’t know or care to be honest, but to avoid the ensuing argument, I was like, “no, Steve, I don’t think that.”  But, I did say, “it doesn’t really matter why you did it.”  He still doesn’t seem to get that I cannot be around him because of this.  I couldn’t deal with it, in the moment, and I made my excuses to get off the phone.

The drama I alluded to in recent entries that split my heart open, and has caused my stomach to flare like a five alarm fire has died down a little, but damn…  up until recently, there was this total dichotomy at work in my personal life.  On one side there was patience, and kindness, and understanding.  On the other, I had roots that had grown in deep, but a lot of pain, hurt, and damage – a general selfishness, no sense of responsibility for any harm done, and barely a hint of making me feel wanted/needed.  I know, I am being pretty abstract, but hopefully, you’ll understand – there’s been a shift.  The understanding, patient side of the spectrum is in some sort of flux.  It makes for a bizarre feeling.  I feel like I am spinning plates, and can’t let anything fall.

I have been having the most vivid thoughts and dreams about cutting myself.  It’s been a while since I let myself go there.  I promised I wouldn’t – has that promise extended or expired, at this point?  I don’t think the terms were clear.  Anyway, I am trying, but I am raw as hell, and I could so easily lose my grip.  I feel like an emotional menace to others, sometimes, and I could see myself concluding that it’s better to check out than to disappoint or hurt anyone.


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