So, as always, I woke up sick. I keep waking up earlier than I should, and feeling like shit. My life has hit intolerable levels, in terms of drama. I am not good at dealing with that sh*t, these days. Stress makes my stomach worse, so, lately I have been cramping like mad. I see the G.I. doc on the 5th – it takes forever to get into see specialists. This week I have to see my regular doc. I need to go ahead and make that appointment. I procrastinate like a mother f@cker.
So, Steve called yesterday, and I didn’t really want to get into it, after I accidentally answered the phone – didn’t recognize the number. I was so fed up with the situation. He was all, “you don’t really think dude sent me there to get you high?” I don’t know or care to be honest, but to avoid the ensuing argument, I was like, “no, Steve, I don’t think that.” But, I did say, “it doesn’t really matter why you did it.” He still doesn’t seem to get that I cannot be around him because of this. I couldn’t deal with it, in the moment, and I made my excuses to get off the phone.
The drama I alluded to in recent entries that split my heart open, and has caused my stomach to flare like a five alarm fire has died down a little, but damn… up until recently, there was this total dichotomy at work in my personal life. On one side there was patience, and kindness, and understanding. On the other, I had roots that had grown in deep, but a lot of pain, hurt, and damage – a general selfishness, no sense of responsibility for any harm done, and barely a hint of making me feel wanted/needed. I know, I am being pretty abstract, but hopefully, you’ll understand – there’s been a shift. The understanding, patient side of the spectrum is in some sort of flux. It makes for a bizarre feeling. I feel like I am spinning plates, and can’t let anything fall.
I have been having the most vivid thoughts and dreams about cutting myself. It’s been a while since I let myself go there. I promised I wouldn’t – has that promise extended or expired, at this point? I don’t think the terms were clear. Anyway, I am trying, but I am raw as hell, and I could so easily lose my grip. I feel like an emotional menace to others, sometimes, and I could see myself concluding that it’s better to check out than to disappoint or hurt anyone.