So….about 6 months ago I tried to commit suicide. Finally hit the bottom and saw no way to get back up. Had been divorced, fighting with the ex about my kids, money, and everything else. Finally all became to much. I wrote a note and laid it on the table. Drank some beers and drank some Jack. Used those to wash down over 50 sleeping pills. Over the counter, that’s all I had. (Lol, so if u just need a good nights rest, I don’t recommend Unisom) Laid down on the floor and just went to sleep.
You know what saved me? I had to pee! Funny huh? I woke up because I had to pee and didn’t want to pee myself! When I stood up, everything spun. I had to hold on to things to make it to the bathroom. After I went, I realized how stupid I was being. My kids would go thru the rest of their lives never knowing their dad. They would think I didn’t care for them enough to stick around. I didn’t want that. So, I drove myself to the hospital. (Not my best or brightest day, I know)
Was admitted and made to drink charcoal. I don’t recommend that either. Nasty stuff and I was pooping tar for a week. So, had to stay in local hospital for a few days and then transferred to a local mental hospital for about a week. Spent my birthday there this year. Nice. After I got out, I had to see a therapist. He was a quack. We spent most of the time talking about him. I stopped seeing him and had been feeling better most days.
But, I guess Christmas kinda tipped things back again. Christmas eve was kinda hard without my girls here under my roof with me. Then, Christmas day after I left them was rough. Took off work Sunday and got really drunk Saturday night. Then drove home. I don’t normally do that and haven’t since before the "attempt". Starting to notice little trends though. Like the drinking and driving, taking off work. I have to work in the morning and should be up in 2 hours, but can’t sleep. Wondering if I’m beginning the downward spiral again? Don’t wanna get out of bed. Spent the whole day here today. Now can’t sleep tonight. Kinda giving me flashbacks. I’m not suicidal. Not thinking about anything crazy like that. Just feeling blahhhh. Wanna stay in my house with curtains closed and doors locked for a month or so. Maybe more.
Can’t talk to my real life friends cuz they don’t get it. No one does. I shouldn’t feel like this. I have a pretty good life. Hate this roller coaster ride and I thought it was over. Someone please stop it cuz I want off!