June 18, 2015

I decided I needed to journal again after years of not journaling. I started journaling my days during CBT and then continued off and on through the last ten years. I used to be a moderator on SIAD forum and looked for it…no where to be found. So I am so surprised I remembered my name on here. So…here goes.

Summers are always the toughest part of the year for me. My OCD stays fairly dormant during my work year but summers I have idle time. I try to stay busy but it always seems to creep in.

My OCD morphs alot. The past few years it is a fear of disease and inparticular, herpes. I worry more about the outward signs of cold sores. I don't have it, but still the fear prevents me from a normal social life and happiness. I strive for perfection and I know I am so far from it. What will people think? Will they think I am sick? Who freaking cares? My logical mind knows this is ridiculous of course.

Today was a challenge as I needed to go to the dentist, geeze…No one likes it, but it truly is torture for me. I force myself and succeed. I am a success story truly. After so many years of therapy, support groups, reading, talking about my story, forums like this…I have really learned how to manage. I still hate it though. I joke about it, but it truly still dictates my life in part.

I have many rituals I still do. They aren't interfering with my life, but they are still present. I have accepted that maybe I will always be a bit quirky, but I know that this does make me the kick ass person that I am. Just a bit weird though.