I gave up on depressiontribe quite some time ago, it wasn\'t helping me any and there were certain kinds of interactions I wanted to break away from. Being open about my feelings is a strain for me, and getting any kind of response to a blog would just make me feel worse. I became more active here because it seemed quieter, but that doesn\'t really make it any easier to write. And now I don\'t really feel comfortable anywhere. Least of all in my skin, not that that is a new feeling.

The numbness and apathy I felt for the last few years was fading at the end of last year. My relationships and interactions felt hollow, I could not focus on distractions, I had cut down greatly on drinking and I had stopped self harming. It felt a lot like I was riding a wave. I was seeing with an unpleasant clarity, feeling things I had pushed down. Things were changing and it felt like I could either fight and try to make sense of my life, or fall apart and slip back to somewhere dark and dangerous.

And I\'ve been trying to make sense of things, trying to keep afloat. I\'ve struggled with my own fears constantly, flicking between feeling a surprising contentness and peace to terrible paranoia, insecurity and hopelessness.

But I\'m struggling now, I feel lost. In the past I would push and pull, tear apart any relationships I would have left. I would hurt myself, self destruct, desperately clutching at anything to avoid actually just feeling what I\'m feeling. Because I can\'t just let myself feel anything. Sadness, anger, love, shame… none of it feels comfortable for me. I have to fill the silence, block it out.

I don\'t make real friends. I keep people at a distance, sometimes so effectively that they don\'t even realise.

But now I feel vulnerable, ripped open. I\'m afraid and ashamed, and I want to just relax but I don\'t know how. I feel ashamed to ask but I need support. I need to stop putting up walls and just be whoever I am. I need to stop fighting. I need to let go.

 

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