4.04.2017
Today was my second day of surgery i wake up at 8 and i went to the hospital its called chernovski hospital today i saw a patient who has gallstones and had to have gallbladder removal its called laparoscopic cholecystectomy
i did not attend the whole operation as we finish at 11:00 later on i went to the park and read something i wanted to be connected with the nature , after that i went to the polish class at 3:00 i finished at 4:30 and had a meeting with another polish teacher at 5:00 i wanted to have questions from her after that i went to the shopping center to take my clothes from the laundry then i walked the dog today was very long day thank god for everything.
6.04.2017
today i had very awful day i had problem with the polish teacher as she said in the previous class that my writing was bad and today she said my reading is bad so i felt so bad and i asked her to stop discourraging me
i dont know if it was right or wrong thats how i felt. now we are having surgery course i feel good about this course , i hope i will finish and graduate soon and pass the polish exam even though it feels so difficult to do that.
11.04.2017
Today I went to the chernowski hospital I did not attend the practical part , but luckily i attended the seminar it was about aortic aneurysm. later i went to my favorite place to eat where i can have pasta and ice strawberry
then i went to my psychiatrist for consultation.because yesterday i dont know what happen to me i told my father that if i go to psychiatric hospital in saudi arabia i will kill myself , i don’t know where that has come from i think im afraid to repeat the same experience, for sure i feel better now after i been to the dr.now im thinking of a lot of things the first hopefully to graduate and to get ride of those suicidal thoughts because of saudi arabia.so what are my problems?
1) im afraid to get worse when i go to saudi arabia what will happen to my treatment.
2) i want to pass the polish exam and to stay in poland for another 1 year.
3) i want my dog to be with me i did not finish her papers to go to saudi because i dont know if i will go to saudi arabia or not.
4) i have also surgery exam this month.
all what i can say i need to stop thinking about everything at the same time and to start doing something about it.
13.04.2017
Today i wake up very late and i could not go to the hospital on time i just went there to sign my name , luckily no one of the doctors knew that i was not present.i went out of the hospital and went to eat breakfast i had pancake with nutella it was good , later i bought some stuff went back to the apartment, i took the dog to the place where they bath her , because im going to different city in poland , its called Qdansk . its very beautiful i went there in the summer its in front of the sea.so im excited to go to the sea lusy never saw the sea so it will be good to go there with her.
25.04.2017
Today i did not go to the university because i did not wake up , now i have 2 absences i hope i will not have more or i will have a problem.Today when i wake up i did not want to get out of the bed im just thinking about the credit on friday and i have a headache cause obviously i did not study for it well i hope things will be fine.i went to study at costa i felt very bad cause i just want to rest just to stop thinking whats next im always busy either studying or thinking about my illness and my future which is not going to benefit me in any way.i keep asking myself the question whats really important in life. whats really important is love this what i know for now.
26.04.2017
Today luckily i went to the university we had seminar first it was about inflammatory bowel disease which include ulcerative colitis and crohn disease i like those topics they easy to understand and generally i like the digestive system its very interesting.after having the seminar we had practical classes we saw a patient who had problem with swallowing so she has esophageal cancer , then the dr discussed some patients history and she let us go at 12:00 p.m.Honestly i could not really focus i was so absorbed by the thoughts that im crazy or what will happen to me when i go to saudi arabia because i have made my decision i will go back there for one year and i hope to go later to germany to study dermatology because this is the field i feel will suit me for sure due to my health conditions, i thought also of child psychiatry , but i feel its very hard to deal with children.what else yes i made my decision and i quit polish classes because obviously it costs money and i need to save some money for saudi arabia because i wont have in the first few months.what bothers me is my ocd today in the uni i spent most of the time focusing on people facial expressions which is so boring i want to focus on what the dr is saying not on anyone facial expressions 🙁 i hope my ocd gets better in the next days but generally today is better then yesterday thank god.

9.05.2017
Today was my first day at the transplantology department we started by having a lecture about something about liver transplantation i was not really listening nowadays i feel bad about myself its like i dont really care about being a good doctor as much as to graduate.the lecturer was arrogant when he started talking about should we transplant organs to people who commit suicide.i think for me the person should be given a chance.if he tried to commit suicide once it does not mean he will do it again.for me the doctor was absolutely ridicules when he said what do you need me to do to catch people who are jumping from the bridge and then he continue saying that if we transplant a patient with psychosis there is no chance because the medication that is used to suppress the immune system are steroids and steroids increase psychosis,yet who are you to decide the person with mental illness is sick its that simple and he should be given a chance as any other sick person.that was the first lecture later we went to the ward and we saw a young patient with renal failure who is receiving
a kidney from his mother for me i did not know what to think , but honestly after forensic medicine i stopped feeling anything its like there is nothing worse then that,but its for sure sad.later we went with some handsome dr and he was talking and talking and i was just stressing about my upcoming exam i hope things will be fine, im stressing about so many things about going back to saudi arabia , leaving poland , will i gonna graduate and what else . how will gonna take my dog with me and my bird , what about the internship.what is most awefull is that saudi arabia has stopped paying people who graduated from abroad so what else there will be no money hahhha life is crap
good night

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