Do You Know Who You Are?

Who Are You? I Ask Myself Who I Am Fairly Often. But I Must Admit That As I’ve Gotten Better I Don’t Wonder As Much Anymore.

I found pain and helplessness when faced with this question. I felt empty and lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t enjoy what I used to. I didn’t enjoy much at all. Reading was and escape and so was writing but it didn’t take away the problem. It just shoved it under the rug for later. I never let myself truly face things. This caused me so much more pain and turmoil. I went on to form a disassociation disorder. I looked in the mirror and didn’t feel any recognition or connection. I’d feel so empty, tired, and hopeless. And I found no answer to this question. “No, I don’t know who I am.” This response might just mean that you are on a road to discovering you, or it might mean that you haven’t had the emotional ability to look into it. Maybe you are depressed like I was and you Just can’t look past the despair and hopelessness. So many things could result in that answer. It shook me when I saw this question and realized while on my path and no matter how much better I thought I had become, I still didn’t know this very important thing. It was a lot of work and very confusing trying to figure it out. Counseling played a big role in my self discovery and so did my religion and my church group. I also have been taking medicine to help. It’s been a bit bumpy at times but… I found a confidence and a relief from a lot of what had been oppressing me. I admit I had to give up writing and reading like I used to and I had been reluctant at the time but now I feel so much better and far more level headed. It might feel sacrificial at the time but in the end you will know if you made the right decision.

Do You Understand What’s Happened To You?

I didn’t have a clue as to what had made me the way I was. My specialty was blocking things out. It didn’t stop the effects and it made things worse but, I didn’t know that at the time. It was a lot of time telling about my life to my counselor before I started to piece it together and begin to move forward again. My parents were distant and they were short tempered and often said things that they didn’t mean but… being a kid I had no idea that what they were saying wasn’t true. My father hadn’t hurt me physically but he did scare me so badly that sometimes I have PTSD symptoms in response to violence or aggressive yelling. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t lay a hand on me, he yelled far to close to my face and would jostled me around or pin me while he yelled sending me into a state of terror. He loved me but he didn’t have the energy or patience to deal with kids. He was far too quick to anger. I thought I was evil for a very long time. It took two years of counseling before I realized that I wasn’t evil or bad. I was just a kid. Other kids were mean and I had no friends. I had no support system and I was targeted. I felt unsafe, unhappy, lonely, and ashamed. I thought that I must of had a lot wrong with me at the time to have people not like me and try to hurt me so often. I thought that I must have been awful. The only thing that was truly damaging about my childhood was my lack there of when it came to a support system. I had no one that made me feel safe and loved. I felt evil, bad, and resented. I felt like I was the scum of the earth. To really notice your patterns of emotions, thoughts, and actions you need to understand what has happened to you and what it really means when you take a step back.

When You Look Around Can You Say To Yourself  That You Wouldn’t Change A Thing?

What is it that you do every day? What would you like to do more often? What don’t you do at all? What do you miss? What do you want to try? What haven’t you done and why? If you weren’t afraid would you do it? What about life sucks? How are you going to change it? How are you going to improve things? Are you going to be the worlds newest artist? Will you take up an instrument? Are you going to take up a sport or try working out?

These things I asked myself. I still ask myself these questions at times. When Life sucks you can let yourself feel hopeless or you can open a new door or change the page. Turn your back and let it go if you can, or fight for it if you can’t part with it. Charge on threw if you feel you have to face it. If you are afraid then more than likely you need to confront something. I don’t swim as much anymore. I love going to church and I will do my best to go more often. I already go a decent amount but my groups are letting out or spreading out meetings farther so I need more activities to occupy myself. I go to counseling and sort through what I need to and I decide what I need to change. I can’t let myself sleep my life away. I can’t keep on seeing everything as dark and evil or lonely and painful. I have to hold optimism in my hands and look for the good. I want things to be good and I wont find any good if I’m too busy looking for the bad. Mindset is the biggest part of true change. If your mind doesn’t change then nothing has really changed at all no matter what different things you do and try. Dye your hair, get contacts, end your marriage, start a new life, do these things without changing your mindset or thoughts wont really change anythings. You will still be the same person on the inside and this could mean that the same things you want to stop doing or avoid coming into contact with will find you again and again. Can you tell me that there isn’t one thing you wouldn’t change about your life?

Are you happy? If not how will you fix that?

This is an important thing to ask yourself to keep from falling into despair and bad habits.

Let me know if this has assisted you or given you any new insight.

Ari, Until Next We Meet~

Living is not feeling tired when you breath, living is thriving and feeling happiness, joy, and excitement from day to day. Living is moving forward with mental stability and passion. Move through the conditions of the moment and bounce back from the fall. Be at your best and happiest.