I'm BAAAACK! 🙂

First off, I wanted to say I'm sorry for being away for so long. I've been going through a horrible depression/manic spell, the longest I've ever gone through. I figured I'd just stay away from everyone for a while. Even when I forced myself to get out of the house with friends, it was usually a miserable time which involved me forcibly acting human and smiling and laughing, which made me feel even MORE horrid and made me just want to come home and hide as soon as I could. Then I went through everyone telling me that I was "always complaining" and that I should "get over it."  Mind you, these are people that don't know me very well, because anyone who KNOWS me KNOWS that I can't STAND depression, being upset or anything of the sort. I'm not the Emo type. I have no desire or inclination to act miserable psychologically and mentally out of my own free will.  But, as those of you who have bipolar disorder or suffer from severe depression know, there are many that don't understand what we go through and don't realize that we have no control over our own thoughts during these dark times. They just keep coming. No amount of forced positivity from yourself or anyone else really has any impact for any period of time. It just has to take its course, usually. 

So, I decided to keep all my misery to myself. Which, I found, makes me feel worse without an outlet to write about it or vent it online with even those like everyone here that understand somewhat. Finally, I called my doctor and got an emergency appointment. I couldn't take it anymore. I've been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and am going to have to sleep with a CPAP machine on turned up to this horribly high setting that blows air through this mask into my nose and it's so uncomfortable, yet I haven't gotten the machine at my home yet so I have not been sleeping well and, when I do sleep, it's not very sound sleep so I wake up feeling still physically and mentally exhausted, even though technically I was asleep for 6-9 hours at a time. Then there were times I didn't sleep for 48 hours, slept for 3 and then again, up for 48. Things were not good all around. 

My psych doc told me that the ECT sessions I had didn't go very smoothly from a medical standpoint because of my apnea… my oxygen intake while I was under the anesthesia was horribly low, so they don't want to do it again until I see the ENT doc for possible surgery on the back of my mouth and throat where they'll possibly take out my uvula, laser off any excess skin on the edges of the opening to my throat and remove my tonsils and/or adnoids to stop any obstruction to my breathing when I lay down and sleep. He also said that the hospital really didn't benefit me because I was miserable in there and just wanted out. So, he changed my medication from the Cymbalta to this brand new antipsych that is also used as a mood stabilizer for bipolar mania called Saphris.

Saphris was just approved by the FDA late last year. It's a dissolvable pill that you put under your tongue and, after it dissolves, you can't eat or drink anything for 10 minutes. That really wouldn't be a major problem, no different than taking your usual meds and having to eat or drink WITH them, but the problem is THIS: 1. It tastes like hell (imagine acidic, sour asprin taste times about 150 that spreads all over your mouth as it dissolves no matter how badly you try and keep it in one spot) and 2. It also makes your tongue as well as some of the inside of your mouth numb and tingly. The taste doesn't go away for about 20 minutes or longer, even after the 10 minutes is up and you drink and/or eat anything you can get my hands on just to get the taste out of your mouth, 3. Since your tongue is numb, you really can't taste whatever you're drinking/eating anyways until it wears off about 25-30 minutes after dosage.

Finally, 4. It also makes you extremely drowsy, to the point that, once your mouth and taste starts to get back to normal, you are starting to feel an utterly exhaustive feeling… like the one you get when you're about to doze off after a busy day. And no matter WHAT you do, you can't fight it. No amount of coffee, even Nuvigil (a prescribed antinarcileptic pill that I also take to fight my daytime drowsiness due to my apnea and medication that keeps me alert during the day) does anything. You just have to lay down and sleep for at least 2 hours. Then when you wake up, you have to force yourself out of bed, sit up somewhere, get some coffee, take your Nuvigil and STILL you're so drowsy that your head keeps nodding out and you start snoring, the snoring wakes you up…. And THIS happens about 3 or 4 times for the next 30 minutes until FINALLY you feel the exhaustion dissipate as quickly as it came and you feel…

…Good. Normal, if you wanna call it that. Most  of all… Stable. Like a light switch has been finally turned to the "ON" position. I can't remember when I have felt this continuously stable. And this one pill, despite the break that it does put in my schedule with the dosing, sleepiness… I kinda welcome something that I know will make me drowsy almost immediately, then when I wake up, make me FORCE myself awake and then make me feel pretty damn good, like I WANT to start my day. It makes me a little more active, mentally and in life in general, like I have to put some effort into feeling better and not just relying on the medication.

So, now I'm on this REALLY weird schedule. I'm up all night, all morning, taking my meds between 10:30 a.m. and Noon, sleeping until 3:30 p.m. at the latest and then sometimes I'll take a little nap at night. Since the med makes me so drowsy, I'm only taking it once a day… If I have to, I can take it twice, but if I DID take it twice a day, I'd be out 50% of the time. I'm gonna eventually regulate myself to sleeping at night, but right now, I'm happy with the time I'm spending awake and alert. I'm doing more daily chores, like laundry, dishes… things that normal people have to do everyday that I wasn't doing on a regular basis simply because I was so miserable, lethargic and depressed. I'm also looking for a job, something easy, part-time preferably, simply to help with our horrible money situation in the family.  I'm also aiming to start some sort of a small exercise regiment daily, even if it's just taking the dogs for a walk around the block. Nothing too strenuous like jogging a mile or anything. LOL.

So, that's where I'm at now. I wanted to thank everyone for the comments they've been leaving me, ESPECIALLY the supportive comments left on my last blog entry. They WERE read and much appreciated, and I know I shouldn't have abandoned those who understand, relate and are there for me here at DT for so long… you guys could've helped me through. But I wanted to avoid the wallowing to others for a while… even if it meant me being more miserable in silence. I don't know why, but I did. 

Sorry about the rambling entry.. I know it's long, just had so much to catch up on and vent out. LOL. If you've made it through this far, let me say just one more thing: If you're going through the same shit, I've been there. You're not alone. And, as bad as you feel, as dark as your moments, life and thoughts get, REMEMBER: THIS, too, shall pass. Yes, it's corny, but that's the only saying that I have found that has been true 100% of the time. It WILL pass. That doesn't mean it won't come BACK or happen AGAIN, but it WILL pass, and there WILL be a calm after the storm. 

Love you, Depression Tribers. 🙂