To all of you who answered my blog today, I want to give a great big thank you for doing so. It made me feel less alone in my situation and gave me some strength to fight back against the consuming depression.
I won't lie, I had a very rough day. After blogging I went to shut all the curtains, turned on the fans, had my puppy curl up next to me (she always sleeps with me when I'm not doing well- funny how she can sense that), and buried myself in the covers and gave in to the oblivion of sleep.
After 2 hours I awoke still feeling pretty awful (sometimes extra sleep will knock it out) and made myself some chai tea with milk, grabbed my journal, and headed onto the back porch. This is where I do all my thinking, meditating, praying, etc. I journaled for about an hour, pouring all the poison out of my mind that I could. I made myself eat something healthy (instead of ice cream and junk food), and called my second job to ask for FMLA leave or vacation time. They are familiar withwhatI'm dealing with and understand that I'm agood employee when I'm healthy. I'm so gratefulthey keep me, because Ifeel welcome there.
I spent the day alone (my husband sleeps days and works nights) and thought about things. I know what I need to do to get better- and that's take one day at a time. Financially we're okay (not great, but can get by) on just one income if we budget things. So I feel like now is the opportunity I need to focus on getting better and learning how to manage and cope with my bipolar illness.
I ended up arguing with my husband tonight again- more like blaming him for how he treats me and takes for granted being mentally healthy and stable most days and then realized that it was useless. I fell apart, what I call Meltdown phase, into sobs and black thoughts that always cycle through my mind when I'm dealing with depression. But this time I fought back. When the thoughts told me I was worthless- I told it to shut up. When they told me that everyone would be better off without me- I told it that it was completely wrong. When it suggested that I should end things- I screamed obscenities at it and focused on something happy I could do when I felt better. And it worked. The cycle of negativity stopped being so loud and incessant. The sobs subsided, the tears slowly started to dry up, and I forced myself to relax and breathe.
As always these meltdowns leave me completely exhausted, so I let myself sleep awhile. I'd still be asleep if I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to force myself to get on with things, be a mom to my son, and to give thanks for what I do have in my life.I can still appreciate the beauty and intrinsic art ofnature, I can still feel joy at spending time with my pets, I can still sit on the porch and watch the wildlifelive their lives. I canstill feel love when I hug my little boy and snuggle with him while watching tv. No matter what theillness suggests, I know I'm a good Mom. That role is what has kept me from doing the unthinkable.
I hope each of you finds joy in the fact that youhelped me a great deal today. I hope negativity leaves you alone and you experience joy and find happiness in the smallthings. Ifind that for me theyamount up to so much more.
Take care of yourselves, and goodnight.