I'm in kind of a strange place right now. I'm trying to get better and yet I feel stuck. I was finally diagnosed with Depression, Social Anxiety, and Generalized Anxiety yesterday. I was given a prescription for Lexapro but I'm afraid to pick it up. It'll be about $30 so I don't know how to pay for it. Should I use the money I have even though it was a Christmas present and I'll need to find a way to pay for a refill later anyways? Tell my Dad I need to pay for birth control instead? He knows it's just to keep me from getting sick each month so it's actually less stressful to ask for that than it would be to ask for Lexapro. That and he has no idea how long it lasts and wouldn't even dream of tracking it.

Or…I could get it out in the open, let him get upset, and get over it. I suppose I could always bring up the fact that my older half brother and his wife were on medication at one point… He just thinks my life is perfect, that nothing could possibly upset me. Nevermind how severely my past could have affected me, nevermind how insecure and upset I've been. He just won't understand. Maybe I'll talk to Mom first…maybe I'll hold onto my prescription until I can talk to my therapist for support…I haven't decided yet.

I was surprised to learn that I still have Social Anxiety and I was even more surprised to learn that I'm apparently worse than I thought. The psychiatrist I visited had me fill out two questionnaires that he then read over and scored. He read back the results of the Anxiety one first and said that I rank at a 72% – 61%+ is apparently severe. I could have that figure wrong but, either way, I ranked pretty high and that's not good.

After that, he said he was going to "go a different direction". I thought, "Oh, I must not have scored very high for Depression". He showed me the score chart and asked me where I thought I ranked. I told him that I thought it was mild and then he read off the score I received…severe. He said that the reason he asks students to guess where they are is because if they guess really low, it's a sign that they've been living with it a while and have just learned how to push it back. I wasn't sure what to say but it makes sense. I've been struggling since I was 13 with one thing or another and I can see how it'd still be a problem without me noticing.

Besides that, I'm basically single now. My ex and I have reached a point where it's just not working. He's in love with me, I'm not in love with him. I can't connect to him and I'm frustrated just talking to him most of the time. He flunks so many of his classes and his moods swing and he pushes me in ways that he really shouldn't. In short, we just don't click and we're both in a bad place right now. Also, I've kind of been finding myself more attracted to other guys and there's one in particular who I have been really drawn to. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend who his mother appears to adore so the chances of him ever noticing me are slim to none. This new attraction of mine has had both positive and negative consequences…

On a high note, I feel excited to see him and kind of determined to become the sort of girl he likes…not because I think it'll get his attention but because when I'm around him or people like him, I want to feel good. I want to feel like I can fit and be who I want to be and not who I am restricted to being because of how I feel. I'd be more comfortable and cheerful if I could like myself.

On the downside, I feel upset that I know he'd never look my way because he's been taken for longer than I've even known him. So I find myself, once again, back at that point where you have feelings and can sometimes do nothing about them. I haven't been in this sort of situation for over 3 years – since before I met my ex – and I don't really like it. I don't like being anxious or insecure, wondering what guys would do if they dated me and then realized how unattractive I really am. I mean, anyone can look good when they are 100% covered, what happens when you need to dress up to go out or they actually see your flaws? Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I actually want to cry over the prospect of dating…because I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want them to see I'm messed up and hate me or think I'm pathetic and wonder, "Why did I ever find her attractive in the first place? I wish I knew she was messed up before I started this."

I should probably just be single for a while even if I find myself drawn to someone else.


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