I go through three years of spending time in the depths of hell…of doing nothing but bawling my eyes out day after day as the evil beast of a depession conquered me to the core of my very soul…of even being put on f^&king medication for cripes sake that was supposed to help alleviate the "crying spells"…I emerge from the depths, out of the darkness, weather the storm to at last get to a place filled with some kind of light…and the crying stops…That might be the best part of it, when you finally battle the way through the nightmare and reach a point where you're having days where you don't feel like crying anymore…might be the strongest indication that you somehow made it through….when the crying stops,,,the endlessly draining act of crying–christ, the physical toll it takes on you alone from doing it hours on end, day after day…you know, the stinging sensation on your cheeks, the puffy eyes(and my god is it hell on contact lenses), the whatever-about-it or whatever-you-call it when you do it long enough and hard enough all day long that it literally drains you physically as well as emotionally..almost gasping for breath…making your ribs hurt even…not to mention the freaking endless amount of $ you spend on kleenex….finally, the crying came to an end,,,I at last apparently earned a respite from it for the last 8 months or so….
And now word has all but officially come that my Dad is dying,,,and perhaps selfishly of me, I realize that means I have to cry again, over and over, days upon end, with no end in sight…I'm already wondering when the first full day will come where I get through the whole day without crying,,,How long will it take I wonder until I will reach that day?….Weeks…months?….
And also from a selfish standpoint I suppose(but this is why and where I come to blog about these things, because I figure that most people on here can understand), I of course have to wonder if it's going to send me off the deep end again, if it's going to send the hellish beast that is severe depression clawing away at my limbs again…You know how it is: it's obviously naturally depressing wheneve a loved-one dies…but how much worse can it have the potential to be for a person who has had numerous battles with severe depression for most of his life?…..How can I not fear that fear?…
It's not that I never thought he would have to leave this earth…it's not that I never knew this day would have to come…but my Dad had been the epitome of good health for most of his life….before the problems with his heart began a couple of months ago, I can't even remember him having been in the hospital for anything more serious than a hernia operation….So it wasn't just that I hoped he would make it into his 90's or so before his time would be up, but I really had him pegged to make it that far with little doubt because of how well he took care of himself….one of those men who could always pass for being 10-15 years younger than his actual age….He always looked great….than his heart acts up…and he had to have open-heart surgery…but the doctors expressed optimism for a full recovery..and there were so many days filled with hope where it looked like he was on his way to getting better…only to be offset by far more days where he relapsed into feeling horrible again… days of hope altering with days of hopelessness…doctors always saying that the slow process of his recovery was normal, especially for a man his age, but that he would and should get there…none of them ever officially giving us a warning that his days were numbered.. but that full recovery never happened… Various other ailments started to gang up on him at the same time. It was always one step forward, two steps back…..So at the hospital a few days ago, the nurse in charge of giving the family members the talk about how it might be time to consider hospice care for him…came in and gave us that talk….that horrible, horrible talk that you hope to God you'll never have to hear…
Other things that might be perceived as selfish that are gnawing at me….My family, as best as I can describe it, has only been what I call"superficially close" throughout our lives…and now we have to somehow force ourselves to come together,,,,I know it might sound like a horrible and stupid thing to say, but I dread the thought of having to cry day after day with them for days upon end,.,,there's just some kind of level of discomfort among us–for lack of a better way of putting it–that's going to make it that much harder for us, or at least that's how I feel anyway….And another reason among so many obvious reasons that I'm not ready for my Dad to die…is…I was always hoping he would make it long enough to see me have a wife and kids–more grandkids for him to love and cherish…Was always hoping that I somehow would finally at last "find myself" and be in a profession job-wise that would make my father so proud of his son,,,,But it's not to be…I didn't get there in time(not that I know for sure that I ever will),,,and it sucks so bad…and makes me so angry…and makes me want to wave a fist at whatever in the universe, to the sky and ask why the hell couldn't you wait until I found my way in this world before you took him away?!?…Why in the hell are you going to put me through this horrible challenge of seeing if I can endure a situation that has depression in its most ultimate form written all over it so soon after I fought like mad to survive the horrific bout of it that plauged me for three years?!?…..
I would assume anyone who reads this whom might also have battled severe depression has had to deal with this kind of frightening agony too of how and if you're going to make it through a time like this….Regardless, even if you understand or not, thank you for reading…
I`m so sorry about your father. It is shocking when illness comes so suddenly and so finally…I looked after a friend last year who was diagnosed with cancer and who became very sick very suddenly. I won`t lie…her death caused some depression, but I hate being depressed (having spent most of my adult life that way) and got help as soon as I realised what was happening. I recently became depressed again, but my doctor said my vitamin D levels were very low…I`ve been taking lots since the weekend and I`m feeling better already. Good luck to you…hang in there! People care about you.
Dear gomizzou,
I am sorry that this event lies before you. I understand the fear of it triggering a prolonged uncontrolled crying. I know you did not expect it. This is usually how it happens with the hale and hardy. They go along until they wear out their bodies a die. Not a prolonged illness and while death is always a shock, people get very devestated because the hale and hardy give them little notice of the iniment demise. I am also sorry that he won't be there for all the life events, you wished he'd see before he passed. Life is often, too often like this. I wish you strength to bear this. It will be better for you to be able to grieve now. Delayed grief collects a large toll. I have an exercise that you could try from now to when it finally happens that may help. You need to say it out loud so your ears can hear it. The ears are the pathway to your subconscious, I give meyself permission to grieve my father withou my winding up in uncontrollable, prolongedd sessions of crying endlessly. It is long because it canoot be stated in a negative fashion. The subconscious does not recognize things like I won't cry uncontrollably. It does not recognize the negative and stating it this was give the subconscious to cry endlessly. So please use my wording even if you have to print this out. I have suggested this technique to other and those that cleared their minds and said it faithfully
were rewarded with positive results. Those who do not believe that they can access their subconscious forgot or didn't use the directions exactly were not successful. The subconscious is much better at handling these issues than the wakened mind. Take care. I pray for strength for you to see this through
All my love, Mary XX
Goodness, I'm sorry about your predicament. We are here for you. Camino offered a good recommendation, which was to try to make the most of the remaining time you have with him. But also be ready if that does not go the way you wish. I feel for you, these emotionally charged events are trying in so, so many ways. I can also relate to what you stated about wishing he could have seen you achieve some of your goals in his lifetime. I felt the same when my father passed. However, there is so much time left on this Earth for you, and he is aware of the possibilities that await, maybe as much or more so than you even may be. Goodness, I wish there was more I could say, but know that you'll get through this, please don't hesitate to reach for help using whatever resources through whatever means you can. Do not limit yourself to doing what you think is expected of you, this is your life, own it, and remember you are not alone.
-kelly