Well, this is my first time here, and writing one of these. I hope I am doing this right. I am not sure why I am so depressed, but I have many reasons to be. I have been through a lifetime of abuse, and I'm currently homeless. I can't say what state I'm from, I mean, I can but I'm homeless so who cares? What's the point of submitting my personal info anyway? I'd like to keep it private. Well, recently I have went though a few things… a family member of mine is dying and has decided to alter their will… now I won't recieve much, but they always treated me like shit anyway… I want to, stand up to them before they die. I always wanted to get revenge and give a grand ol' fuck you, but I was never in a position to do so, or didn't have the balls… I don't know. I didn't want to burn any bridges, and frankly, I'm afraid of this family member… what they'll do to me if I hurt them… cross them… anything… so… there is my boy-thing, he was my boyfriend, but he's abusive too, right down to physically hurting me! I mean, he hasn't done much. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be, but we are poor and it's kind of like… the cops don't care… they just want us to go away… I mean, for awhile he had the most to offer me even though he lashed out like this at times… so sad… I've finally gotten to the point where I'm like I rather be alone then deal with people like this, but I'm depressed! I felt a bit better when I wasn't alone! I hate this very much. You know, it's not like good people can just appear out of thin air because you want them to, and people fucking tell you to be alone, be strong, but they've never done it, who knows if they would if they were in your shoes! Like, it's not easy!!!! And, I'm a shy woman. I'm weird. I don't know if it's because I've been abused or what but it's not always easy for me to make friends and stuff… so there's that, and then there's the fact that I'm poor and there are some nice homeless people but the majority of them would make crap friends… and I have a psychotic family that they'd have to put up with… the fam is almost out of my life… so I mean, there'sobstacles. I want friends, but there are obstacles to me getting them. And yeah, I'm gonna say it… I don't want just any friends… I'm looking for certain kinds… like… I want friends my age. I could settle for someone that's 20 years older, but it would be settling. I mean it sounds reasonable, right? But I just can't find people my age. There's the anxiety too. Sometimes people get offended by it. Sometimes I get bullied. I mean, it doesn't stop me from socializing… I think… but yeah, sometimes people tell me to chill out and they take it personally which, lol, makes me worse… I just, don't know what to do. I tell myself not to worry about it, not to want it, but I do. It's hard to be strong! I've had alifetime of "being strong"I feel a bit like I've ran out of reserves. Life is just so hard right now. Where I am staying I need to cry, but I am afraid to. I don't want anyone to hear me crying. At least I have a place to stay. I have some things, more than people would think. Yeah, you know, I'm not really homeless but I am by legal definition. That also adds to my depression. Legally, I haven't made any progress, but to me I have! I'm staying in a nice place, but it's not mine, and not perminant so I am still considered to be homeless… ugh… I'm a pretty meek individual and I get treated like a doormat at times… and… that causes me depression… but… I get by, you know? It's a good coping method. Everyone thinks I'm fairly nice, likeable, but obviously they don't like me enough not to treat me like shit! HAHA! I have read some books on how to be more assertive, but I don't apply it. I think that's because of the depression… I need a job, I have a block, I don't want to work a shitty job and just stay living like this only marginally better. There are jobs I am sort of interested in, but I have not applied. I am nervous, and not really interested in working right now… I don't have the energy. I have a cold or something too, it's pretty bad. I am immuno-compromised. I get sick a lot, and sometimes quite bad. I've gotten pneumonia like 5 times in the past couple of years. I have a lot of medical problems, and it's so hard to get medical care. That is a very common cause of homelessness and depression. And then… if I (can) go to the clinic… well… in the past it's been hit and miss… some doctors were quacks, and made me sicker… some doctors made me healthier… I fear running into the first one. I try to do a lot of healthy things, but I have asthma and it's hard to exercise. There are so many problems… I know I need a job, I know it will change so much, but I don't have the energy… and I fear getting caught up in something I don't love… wasting my life… I mean I want to go for okay, good jobs, I just, I don't know. I have so much fear, I've been bullied so much and it's getting me down. I've been called ugly so it's like why dress up for an interview? I must be ugly. I mean, working at the boys and girls club or some kind of non profit do gooder thing would be nice…and a part of me knows I can do it… but there are so many that have told me I can't. There are some that have told me I can, but everyone I know has been so negative for so long. In fact, where I live in considered to be a ghetto. That may be a part of it. So some say just move! Well, how? I have a storage unit, a car, currently a place, etc. I mean it's a pain in the ass to move, it's a pain in the ass to change my phone number, address and hope people send my stuff to the right place. I mean if my car is registered to here… Can I just move? And then what? That doesn't guarentee success. It's like I need to be strong, and alone until I find the right people, and able to deal with an insurmountable amount of bullshit… yeah? I know! But that doesn't mean it's easy! That doesn't mean I can… I guess I have to. And being politically correct, polite, nice, etc. is bring me down. I want to tell a certain person, "You're a selfish motherfucker! You're mean! You're nasty! You don't care! Why the fuck are you here? I know it's because of something dirty! I know they hired you because they wanted an idiot! I mean, how the hell can you have this job and be mean?" but noooooooooooooooo……. all I ever do is be nice… I'm poisoning myself by being "nice" all of the time… in some cases, I don't have a choice… I guess in most cases, it's easier not to "ruffle any feathers" but oh man… I want to… there has to be a better way! Please let there be. As for that person, I think they work where they do because of all of the free stuff they get. They are the current head of an organization that people give donations to, like to help the poor… and this person is not helping the poor… I didn't think they were using the donations to go on vacations or anything but… Well. Yeah. It happens. I think I'm done for today. I'm going to nurse my cold, clean, and I don't know… mull around some more hoping I'll find a way to pull myself together. Any advice would be appreciated. That's what I came here for, and will keep searching for until I find it… and support. That's good too. Thanks!

4 Comments
  1. soggymoggy 8 years ago

     I am so glad you put your thoughts and feelings down in this blog. You are dealing with a lot of issues. Perhaps a doctor at the clinic could recommend a support group for people who have suffered abuse? Or maybe there is one that you can find by going online. Do you belong to a church or group that could support you? Perhaps the minister could help. Has a doctor recommended medication? It may help. Don't give up…you are here for a reason…perhaps it's to learn to love and appreciate yourself. You are a survivor…look how far you've come. Good luck, and keep writing!

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  2. minimalist 8 years ago

    Thank you for such kind words. I like this place!

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  3. momhurts 8 years ago

    Maybe just do ONE thing, you have SO much on your plate to deal with.  Make a list, maybe, of all the crap you have to do or deal with. Then just do one.  Then next time your feeling up to it, do one more.  Sometimes just a phone call gets things moving.  And sometimes just doing, even if nothing comes of it, but that I actually did something, makes me feel a little better. 

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  4. minimalist 8 years ago

    @ momhurts

    That's not a bad idea. Doing things makes me feel better too, but what did you mean by doing something even if nothing comes of it? Did you mean like going out and trying to have fun even if you won't have fun is better than staying in the house?

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