So I decided to start blogging again. I guess in a way, I figure it will help me organize my thoughts and write what I am truly feeling in here as opposed to it staying in my head, continuously scrambling itself up.
I am at a point in my life where I know I have to sit and reflect on everything that has taken place in the past. Ask myself how it is affecting me, and how I can change those things. Decide what is right and fight for what I believe in. And most importantly, figure out who I am so that it may be displayed to the judgemental eyes of society in hopes to finally, maybe, be accepted and seen for the person I am inside.
Life challenges us. There is not a day that will go by in our lives where we will go without asking ourselves, or that higher power in heaven the never changing question that lies on our minds.
Often we will sit and contemplate such, and bring ourselves down in the process. Only to cause mass destruction upon our self esteem and inner strength. It is up to us to remember that not everything that happens is our fault, and that everything happens for a reason. Otherwise we are doomed from the word "go".
I have been through enough in my life that as a 23 year old, I can honestly say I am more aware of things than a lot of people my age. No, I have not found the meaning to life. And no, I have not found a fountain of water promising eternal youth. But I do hope to find that one thing in my life that will set me free.
To have peace with ones self is to understand that things will get better and know that you are strong.
I hope one day I too, will know what it is to feel such things. And to be 100% sure of it. Because right now, peace with myself is something I cannot feel. I try to pretend the world isn’t so cruel, but at the end of the day reality shows its true colours and leaves me with many unanswered questions. Questions that only God, if he exists, can answer.
I fight myself daily. I scream inside my head and want to tear out my hair because things become so unbearable for me. I try to stay positive for my own sanity’s sake, but I fail. Failure is something I have grow accustomed to. There seems to be no saving me from drowning in my own trials and tribulations. I just need to take it day by day.
Sometimes my breath becomes shallow when I lay in bed at night and think of my current situations. I feel my pulse quicken, and hear the blood pumping through my body. Images and thoughts of the past, present and future appear. This is my reality.
I don’t like it there.
Eventually I fall asleep, but not before I ask God to just once, give me a break. I just want that chance to start over and get my life back.
And so, this is me. Cold as the night’s breeze, inside my heart.
Keep your seatbelts buckled and enjoy the ride.