I'm having trouble reconciling myself with the world I live in. And all its done to me. I'm slipping yet again into the abyss that has become my subconscious. I am not living, not sure if i ever really have. I take adderall at work whenever I can to make the day manageable and smoke weed at night to feel good. The friends I used to spend so much time with barely talk to me anymore. Without the possibility of me buying them stuff I guess I'm not worth their time. I try everyday at work to do my best. To impress my boss, and to stay on the level my younger brother works on. Not that it matters, I know if we werent related he wouldnt even talk to me. He's told me on a few occasions while high that I piss him off and its only because I'm his brother he tolerates me. My mind is constantly split into two waring streams of consciousness. The stronger half that helps me fight to keep going and keeps my mind on track. the other side being the part of me that laments my terrible thoughts over my issues with my mom and keeps the cycle of binge-eating and self-loathing going. I'm completely empty now. My morbid mind keeps me looking at websites dedicated to the underbelly of society, sites that display morbid and sickening pics and vids. I don't know if its some form of morbid curiosity, but some of the things I've seen are truly horrific. I keep hoping that I'll get some form of relief from all this pain but its not happening. I feel like I'm dying inside, and the hope that I had for a better life is gone. The adolescent dreams I had of a normal life are gone. I've never had a true friend in real life, never had a girlfriend. What kind of a life is it when you know your going to be alone? Never knowing the embrace of another human being, never experiencing the beauty of starting a life with someone? I can't keep this going much more. I'm worn out and tired, the tears I cry as hollow as my life. I guess you could say this is a plea for help, because I don't know what to do anymore.

  1. ancientgeekcrone 12 years ago

    Your blog is heartbreaking, Joshua. Break you life into 5minutes at a time. Concentrate of those 5 minutes. I would suggest sites that emphasize music, peace and pleasantness. Do not court the abyss, it may swallow you.Good luck to you my friend XX

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  2. wilson18 12 years ago

     mate hang in there. you can get owt of this.


    message me anytime

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