So here's a story about me. It involves happiness, depression, and, well that's pretty much it. Also humour, to some of you. When I first told my sister this, she couldn't stop laughing, which I can understand, but seriously, it really, really sucked.
I don't consider myself much of a gamer, but there was always this one game, Diablo 2, that I always played. Ever since I got it in 2007, I played it. I played the shit out of it. When I first starting losing my social life and anxiety slowly started coming around in 2008, all I did was play this game. Seriously, just played it for 12 hours a day. It wasn't that the game was fun, it was extremely boring and repetitive, but I had friends on there. Friends I had never met in real life, of course, but there was a good 30 people I was always talking/playing with. Real life steadily got worse and worse, but no matter how bad it got, I always had this game to come to, and all of my online friends to talk to. At the end of grade 10, In june 2009, I met a girl named Regina.
Regina was awesome.
We played a lot together from June 2009- January 2010
Then, after January, we stopped playing Diablo 2, and just started talking on MSN instead.
It was around this time when I stopped talking to pretty much the rest of my online friends.
So, come summer time, all I was doing was talking to Regina all day. We literally just spent day after day talking, watching movies, playing games, etc etc. It was around this time when I guess we were officially "dating"
It was amazing. I look back at how happy I was that summer, and I can hardly believe it. I literally didn't even care about my anxiety or having no friends or social life, it didn't even matter. I had discovered a whole new realm of interaction, with this super cool girl
But alas, I couldn't help myself.
Talking all those months on MSN was great, of course, but come March 2011, I wanted a little step up. This was a girl I had spent a good year talking to every day, and I was pretty comfortable around her. She was really shy and quiet like me, which is why we never talked on the phone or on Ventrilo or anything. But still, I wanted to talk to her on the phone anyway. I knew it would probably be insanely awkward and terrible, as I'm too scared to even answer the phone in my house, but I wanted to do it anyway.
She was too shy to do it, so I made her a deal. She had been wanting to start playing Diablo 2 again, so I told her. I would level a character to 99 in Diablo (all you need to know about this is that this takes a good 3 months of playing to accomplish), if she would talk to me on the phone. She Agreed.
So, in March 2011, I started playing diablo 2 again. I played, and I played. And then I played some more. I skipped a very nice bit of school to play. I was in grade 12, at this point, and my grades already we're a tad bit low. But I skipped classes anyway to play Diablo 2. I played my ass off.
And then finally, May 30th, I finished. I got to level 99.
By this point, Regina and I had already planned our summer out. We were going to do a ton of stuff, and I was realllly excited to start, because I was so insanely bored and sick of Diablo 2.
But first, our little arrangement.
She lived in Michigan and I live in Canada, so talking on the phone seemed like a stupid idea. So we decided we would just talk on Ventrilo.
Ventrilo is just like skype if you don't know about it. Free phone calls and online talking.
We got on vent, I said hey, she said hey.
Then I said a few things more, then she did, too
For the next 10 minutes, I sat there with, I'm assuming, a blank expression on my face. I remember my body sort of started tingling or something, and good lord, the anxiety I felt at that moment I don't ever want to feel again.
She had indeed, held up our arrangement and talked to me. Only it was not a she at all. It was a man. A man who had a much, much deeper voice than I, nonetheless.
And then, there was nothing.
He exited Vent, signed out of MSN. And that was that.
He has not appeared anywhere online since
It's been 425 days since this happened
I have since sent him copious amounts of emails and left messages on msn
But he's gone for good
It was that day, May 31st where I finally broke down in real life, I guess.
I bawled my god damn eyes out the entire day
My poor mother didn't know what the hell to do, I had literally spent the last 2 years in my room, quiet but happy. And that's how my mom always knew me, quiet, but he's ok
And it's not like I could tell her what had happened. It's not like I told any of my family about Regina, I was kind of embarrassed about the whole online dating thing. So what was I supposed to say to my mom, "My online girlfriend of two years turned out to be a man lol!"
The thing I can't get over is that I will never know why he did it. Was it just a troll all along? Did this guy just come online one day and say "I'm going to pretend to be a girl today and find some desperate nerd to fall in love with me", or did it just accidentally happen, and maybe he got so deep into the lie, simply didn't know how to tell me about it? But if that was the case, why just leave and never come back? Why?
But the crappiest thing about it, comes whenever I go on an online dating site.
I'm much too shy, embarrassed and scared to actually use a dating site, but sometimes I just go on them and look at other profiles, to see if there's anyone actually like me. This is however, pointless, for two reason:
1) My sense of trust is completely gone. Whenever I see a profile of a girl on a dating site, I will always automatically say in my mind "that's definitely a dude"
2) Me and Regina got along so well, I could talk to her so easy and we could talk all day. But I will never, ever find a girl like this ever again, because girls like that don't exist. I had a huge crush on a guys personality basically
The saddest thing about this is that, to this day, I would give anything to just talk to him again
I am pretty sure this is one thing that is going to effect me the rest of my life