"I am not going to hurt myself today." I woke up telling myself that, silently and with a miserable sense of resignation. I don’t know why te impulse is there. Especially when I feel so much pain that I would do anything to escape. It makes no sense.
My cat always stays close when I am sick or miserable. He can sense it. Cats are smart.
Cats are devious. He actually steals pastries. He stole a quarter of a doughnut once.
So much to do, so much to say…
I would love to trade places with the cat, today. Just for a day… maybe more…
To just lounge in the sun… sleep all day… and feel adored for doing nothing…
It seems a good life, if a trifle banal.
I got a bunch of pictures developed for my art scattering project. I’ve also considered a free art show, where people can take the selections for free – I would do this at the beach, along a particular walkway that sports a lot of bench art. To sell, I would need a permit, but to freely give away art, I don’t think I would need a permit for that. I could even have Charlie there playing music to draw people over. The issue is this – I would need a nice enough day to do it. The pieces would have to be matted in advance, and I would just have to be ready to roll on a day with good weather. A warm fall day would definitely draw people to the beach. Especially in this neighborhood…
I need to start carrying my camera around, again. This sudden burst of creativity is a rebellion against a general lull, of late. I stopped carrying my camera everywhere with me. It doesn’t even have batteries in it, at the moment. Need to fix that – there’s good weather today. Not long ago, I felt like something inside me had died, and I felt like piece by piece, the rest of me was bound to follow. I seemed ill equipt to stop the slide. But, I am a little more optimistic, now. I am trying hard to force one foot in front of the other. I was a junkie for years, and that’s a hard fucking life. I I can hack that… I can force my way through the things that need to be done, and I can make myself do things that I know I will feel good about. Things that feel like ME. I think I may finally be starting to get back to myself, to some degree. It’s been a stumbling process, since the kick.
My personhood was buried in madness, pain, and dope for years. I hated the person it made me. HATED her with a passion… and, to be honest, I still do. But, the person I used to be has started to surface, in various ways, and to greater degrees, as I have recovered from the kick. But, of course, I am not that person, anymore. And, I am not the person I was when I was all strung out and unmedicated – in some ways that seems blurrier and more distant than the time that came before it. I am both of those people, and neither.
I am the remnants of a hundred disasters, and whatever’s left will either knit together to form something new, or not.