I’ve had another outburst.
You know how the thoughts never leave your mind? How they just get quieter when you’re laughing and as soon as you stop they shoot back up?
Thats what i’m feeling today. They don’t fucking stop, its exhausting really.
I came home a couple hours ago and sat down trying to sort out my email. It had over 4,000 unread emails. I got close to deleting pretty much all when I decided to tell my friend that I wanted to kill myself. You know out of the blue… Now my lovely friend (not that I don’t believe her) has the habit of saying “me too”. When I know that she’s just feeling sad. I’m not dismissing her feelings but I know what she feels is just sad, which lord!! It’s so different to being depressed.
So after so much building up I ran to my room and began crying. The crying gots worse after I force myself to hide the wails into my towel so that my mother (who is only a couple of cm away) doesn’t hear me.
I proceeded to tie a belt around my neck and pull hard in order to feel pain. I wanted to see how much I could resist, I wanted to cause bruising, I wanted to punish myself, and mostly wanted to attempt death again. In desperation I decided to find that samaritans page online (some of you may know which one) I Dailed the phone number but wasn’t able to call. I was too scared. My thumb hovered above the screen but I couldn’t bring myself to press it.
I then remembered something my therapist told me to do with my mum. That when ever I wanted to rant and express or cry and tell her how I was feeling to just go up to her say and “I’m not feeling well” I thought why not? I mean I have many times had these outburst before and felt a lot better, I need to be able to take this step forward. So I did. I left my room, took advantage that my stepdad was gong to sleep, went up to my mum and said
“I’m not okay”
A loud cry followed this sentence as I couldn’t hold back my tears. I couldn’t help but cry (too loud) something which I had avoided to do in front of mum.
Sure enough we sat down to talk…
I don’t know what happened this time but it didn’t work. If anything I felt worse which is a first.
I’ve taken this as a sign from my body letting me know that it’s time to give up. To stop trying. The one last thing that made me feel good in this pathetic life now no longer did anything to me. All I learned (in my mothers words) was that I had closed my mind from getting help. We agreed that I would try a therapist again. To be fair i’m hoping to get far enough this time to the point were i’m given anti-depressants. I honestly don’t give a fuck how addictive they can be. If they can give me some sort of relaxation from this exhausted mind of mine then count me in.
Ok but all things aside I might never get to it. I do want to give up. I’d love to finally give in to death. I feel like shit right now and i’m angry. I’m going to grab a knife and try to hurt myself. I want to if I can resist the pain. I know I shouldn’t but I want to punish myself. I deserve absolutely nothing.
Anyway after the conversation I left my mum and went to my bedroom to open this page again. She came in and stupidly my fist reaction was to hide the screen which obviously caused suspicion. She asked to see and I hid it. No way in hell is she going to see this. She wouldn’t leave though. She needed to see what was on my screen because ‘I was worrying her’ I told her not to worry but she kept insisting. So I simply said “im writing a blog, I don’t want to show you” I mean technically im not lying but I don really want her know that I’ve found a page online were im talking about how much I want to kill myself. After much persistent on my part she left.
I’m writing this, I want to pee, I’m contemplating if I should leave the knife situation for tomorrow and just tie the belt around my neck again.
I think she knows I’m not ok. I’m going to have to remove this from my bookmark and delete the history tonight.
I know this blog was a mess but that how my brain functions, sorry.