I haven't been on here long, and so far my blogs have been really negative.  I guess that's because I needed a place to write that stuff down.  I have a myspace page, but there are family members who can read it.  I joined one messageboard for survivors, but it was pretty quiet.  I've found this to be a very supportive friendly community.  I do have IRL friends, and this past week has taught me to try actually talking to them more often.  I'm not good at keeping in touch with friends, I'm not very good at socializing, but I need to keep working on it.

Anyway, I just thought I should mention some of the good stuff that came out of this week.  

Andy is taking over for me tomorrow, I was supposed to give a girl a ride to court for an injunction, but he's going for me so that I don't have to miss group therapy.  Very kind of him.

My volunteer work always motivates me.  We spent some time with that same girl on Friday night, and she's working through a difficult case that won't be over until May.  I really really want to see her win.  And I'm taking her out on Wednesday.  We're going to pay for some of the fees she has for court-ordered programs, and I thought I'd take her to a thrift store for stuff for her new place, and to dinner as a belated birthday thing.  So, I'm really excited about that. It's awesome to watch someone else get their life back.  Just weeks ago she was sleeping on a sidewalk.

I'm really really happy I have group therapy tomorrow.  My group is so kind and so supportive to me.  I'm so lucky to have that resource.

I put a deposit down on an apartment and I'll be signing the lease tomorrow afternoon!!!  I'm so excited.  I'll be all by myself, away from my stupid drunk brother.  It's in a nice neighborhood.  I love my new landlady.  She's an artist, and she has the sweetest dog, which I'm totally welcome to walk and play with.  And her husband is a federal prosecutor, which I think is kinda cool.  It's within walking distance of the bay and Andy's apartment.  Everyone, including Andy, other friends, my therapist, myself, all agree, that I'll most likely handle things a lot better without that constant source of fear and anxiety.

I hung out with an old friend and his girlfriend last night.  I hadn't seen him in a while, so it was really nice.  He's always been a good friend.  I've been friends with his big sister for over six years.  He has this tendency to really stick up for me.  And his girlfriend is sweet and likes me.  I'm really happy about that. For some reason a lot of my friends get gf's or wives that don't like me.  I don't understand.  I know I'm kinda weird, but whatever.

Tomorrow, after I sign my new lease, Andy and I are going to the aquarium.  It's very relaxing and fun.   

On Tuesday I'm seeing one of my oldest friends in Florida.  His fiancee doesn't like me, so we don't hang out much.  But anyway, he's a really good friend. 

I have finals next week, which I'm really worried about, but once they're over, I'll have finished this semester.  I'm failing one course, but hopefully the others will be okay.  Ever since I had a few bad talks with my dad my anxiety has skyrocketed.  I ordered pizza tonight because I didn't feel up to grocery shopping.  I'm scared to go to school.  But I'll find a way to make it.  I have group tomorrow and individual therapy on Wednesday, so that should help.

One of my friends told me that they now train dogs for people with panic disorders.  Apparently they nudge you if you freak out or disassociate in order to remind you to take a pill or to help you snap out of it.  I'd seriously love to apply for one of those.  Going to campus with a helper dog would be awesome.  I don't think I would get so scared if I had a dog with me.

Anyway, tough week, but I have a lot to live for and a lot to be grateful for.  woo hoo. 


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