The ramblings of an addict have always been to me raw and uncensored, maybe that is the truth trying to make its way out. I am not sure I know for me it is reality…my rants deliver my emotions and though that I get some form of relief…relief? eh has become a temproary thing…like much in my life has been hopping from one thing to the next..that quest for purpose and meaning in what I do…that drive to always be able to do it better, to prove myself over and over and over…the Fuckin Fear of not making it…What keeps me sober at the MOMENT? Ha the fear of loosing "what in my mind" is the only thing I have left…my sobriety…The rub is that I still have that "Addict" drive replace one thing with another, be it a chair, a box, sex, food, even just talking…fuck I can make anything my addiction….and I guess I do…just because it is not a controlled substance or alcohol doesnt mean that there is no harm to the mind and that the psychological effects are massive…Still frozen in the "Life" of the little kids that first took that one drink at such an early age…moving forward just has not come easily…Wonder if that too is just a cop-out on life and accepting things and moving on? most likely…I find great humor in the mental health community and Esp the lack of assistance in Oswego County in NYS…ship em in ship em out…no resources for children because everyone knows they will not get "Paid" for the services that they render…and then there are those who are working and need the weekly visits and help but can not afford the $20 co-pays weekly to get themselves the assistance they really need to in turn they do nothing but sit idly by and watch as the cycle revolves and though I am sure that no one "Wants" to be on state assistance hell they sure could fool me at times when I see 3rd and 4th generation patients who that is all they know…it is not required to get a job or really to do much of anything other than quit school…act like a doofus and forget to even think of what personal hygiene might be…

Do I feel better after this? I am not sure but I know it was another slice of time in my life that I have decided to rant than to pick up….

Call me a coward…not sure I will make it back….And even if I did, by then who the hell would want this tired old broken soul….


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