I fear I am going to hospitalize myself. I can’t cope anymore and I just don’t want to live, I want to throw myself down on to the floor and never get up.

My heads full of thoughs, a trip to the shops today made me think all of this…

I think that people sat behind me on the bus are laughing at the way my hair looks from the back, I bet they are all glad that I didn’t sit near them and when I get on a bus and head upstairs, I think that everyone on the lower floor are all praising the lord that I didn’t sit downstairs.

I think that people in cars are laughing  at me and that they all laugh about me for the rest of their journey. And people who pass me on the streets look me up and down and feel ashamed that they are human just like me. They probably wonder where the hell I crawled out from.

My family tell me it’s good to be normal, but really they are disappointed in me and feel that they have failed somewhere along the line. I see that look in their faces every time I see them, now I live far away I don’t have to see it anymore. God knows what my friends all think of me… It hurts to think about how horrible and accurate they could be at the same time.

I feel i will never amount to anything, there is nothing out there for me, nothing that will make me happy, no higher purpose or power. There is just no reason for me. There is also nothing worth passing on to another generation.

I feel I am trapped in a child’s body and mind and that I am in one big continuous sulk and I wont get out of it as I am stubbornly keeping it up spiting only myself.

Life is one big sulk.