Today I had the first full blown panic attack I\'ve had in a while. Why does my mind hate me so much 🙁 I\'m sick of always feeling guilty when I have done nothing wrong , christmas I\'ve noticed this year, is the worst time of the year for guilt. Not giving someone as great of a gift as they have given you and all that jazz and then in my case yelling at my dad for being a drunken fool on christmas day in front of the family. I didnt yell that he was a drunken fool now mind you just for him to knock it off . It bugs me when people get tanked and start being loud and knocking stuff over and picking on/at people while they are trying to eat or talk or whatever I\'m sure you all know someone like that . It kind of ruins the family time and the peacefulness of christmas.
Anyways yesterday I was depressed, I never moved off the couch and I pretty much sobbed uncontrolably all day for no reason in particular. Today my thoughts and mind are getting the better of me. I know I cant complain because this horrible feeling and the ocd outbursts have been so few and far between lately but I\'m thinking that\'s why they are so scary when they actually do "flare up". One challenge I havnt been able to overcome is taking clean dishes out of the dish washer and putting them away and mixing food with my hands. Home made hamburgers , forget it . : ( The burning feeling in my head and knot in my stomach are the worst feelings in the world. I think I need to make another appointment with my doctor. My psycholigist said she dosnt think I need to see her anymore she said she thinks I have everything under control on my own and I\'m doing great. I think that might have been just that one day I was there : ( I have an appointment to see her again on the 8th to see if I\'m still doing okay…. I dont want to give them up . Just talking about it makes me rationalize things a little better but in saying that being reassured is one of my compulsions.
I just dont want to get out of bed today 🙁
HONEY YOU JUST STAY RIGHT IN YOUR BED AND NEST. IT’S OK!! AND IT’S NEEDED! I AM DOWN AT CHRISTMAS TIME, AND FOR YEARS IT’S BEEN THAT WAY. AT LEAST YOU HAD SOME FAMILY MEMBERS THERE WITH YOU….NONE OF MY CAME AND I WAS ALONE WITH MY DOGGIE. (GOD BELSS HIS FUZZY LITTLE HEART).. WE ALL NEED TO TAKE A FEW STEPS BACK TO GO A MILE AHEAD ON OCCASION. THE GIVING THING AT CHRISTMAS CAN BE SUCH A MIXED BAG OF EMOTIONS. I HAVE GIVEN ALL MY LIFE’S EARNINGS AWAY TO A MAN WHO’S MOVING OUT NOW THAT IT’S GONE AND TO TWO CHILDREN THAT ARE SPOILED UNGRATEFUL BRATS, AND NOW DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THEIR MOM, NOW THAT "MOMMIE" CAN’T FINANCE THEIR LIVES ANYMORE. (THERE 33 & 39)!! NOW I AM A GROUCH ETC. I DID ONE GOOD THING FOR A NEW FRIEND THIS YEAR AND IT BROUGHT ME MORE JOY THAT ALL THE YEARS I DOTED ON MY KIDS AND A MAN WHO REALY NEVER LOVED ME. I WORK WITH A YOUNG GIRL (23) AND AT WORK SHE SHARED WITH ME THAT HER MOM NEVER HAS SENT HER A BIRTHDAY CARD, CHRISTMAS GIFT OR EVEN A CALL AT THE HOLIDAYS. SHE’S SUCH A HARD WORKER AND A DELIGHTFUL PERSON. WE WORK IN A JEWELRY STORE & SHE HAS BEEN TRYING ON A SILVER BRACELET FOR WEEKS. SHE REALY LOVED THAT BRACELET BUT COULDN’T AFFORD IT AS OUR COST WAS OVER $100.00 AND SHE COULD NOT AFFORD IT. ON CHRISTMAS EVE I BOUGHT HER THE BRACELET, AND GAVE IT TO HER. I HAVE NEVER SAW SUCH A GLOW ON A PERSONS FACE. SHE WEPT RIGHT ON THE SALES FLOOR. I NEVER FELT SUCH CHRISTMAS SPRIT IN MY LIFE. SHE TRULY APPRECIATED THE GIFT. AND JUST FOR A MOMENT I WAS GLAD IT WAS CHRISTMAS…THE OLD CHRISTMAS DREAD WAS GONE. I MADE MYSELF A PROMISE….EVERY YEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL GIVE SOMETHING, EVEN IF IT’S ONLY A COOKIE TO SOMEONE WHO TRULY NEEDS A LIFT. TODAY I AM GIVING YOU A BIG MENTAL HUG AND THINKING ABOUT YOU…AND WISHING YOU A SNUGGY DAY IN YOUR NEST….NAP AND FEEL BETTER. YOUR FRIEND ANAID. :):):)
Thanks guys : ) These past couple of days have been the worst I’ve had in a while. I just want to hide away from the world.
I feel like I have no one, I know I have you guys but with the holidays a lot of my local support ( friends) are gone home or away for the holidays or have plans ect , my boyfriend is away for work and I have the majority of the holidays off so there’s a lot of alone time I really dont want.
Nothing I try seems to keep me occupied very long. The only thing that is even giving me some little drop of happiness are my cats it’s almost like they know something is wrong they’ve been up with me every couple of minutes when one leaves the other one is there and nudgeing me it’s almost like they are saying hey mom get up and clean this appartment so we have somewhere to play it’s a mess lol
Without this site I would be lost.
I think the only one that really understands what I’m going through is my nan. I see her 81 and in hospital with them telling her there’s nothing else they can do, sitting in the hospital bed christmas eve and day with the look of excitement and happiness on her face when we brought her gifts and christmas decorations for her room and thinking nan can stare death in the face and be so strong , I wish god could grant me some of that strength to be able to face my ocd and depression or anything in my life for that matter with even a fraction of that amount of strength.