I've always wanted to have a blog of my own, so even if no one read it, at least somewhere, someone could see how I felt. I needed to express myself, to let others know how bad I felt,because I can't express it without hurting someone.

I've had so many problems for so long my mother has given up on me, she's moved on the my cousin who is starting to get the way i was when i started out with all this. She's moving on, to see if she can help her fast enough so she won't end up like me, lost and completely broken, unable to be repaired.

I have a couple of friends, if that's what you'd like to call them. They are just people who'll accept the way I act, since I don't act normally. After school, if I even go, I just go home and sit in my room. Alone. Isolated from the world.

I've tried commiting suicide by taking a bunch of pills that were harmless. I did not know that until the people in the ER told me, and proceeded to make fun of me for failing even harder. I wish I could've done it right, but I'm to fucking stupid to even be able to kill myself correctly. Currently, I hate myself; I hate everyone; I hate everything. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to start to crawl out of this massive dark hole I'm in.

I've always been able to see a sliver of light at the end of my life, but now it's gone. I see no future for myself because I know someday I'm going to leave this world. Now I'm telling myself why not do it now? If I'm going to do it, I should just get it over with.

I don't understand how people can cope with things. I don't undestand how people have the ability to not beat the living hell out of someone who's so irritating. To not yell or scream or throw things. I see them as saints, because I can't even begin to comprehend how to do that.

Oddly enough, I'm full of emotions, I think to many, and full of love. There's a few things that I enjoy, like games and playing music. But recently I can't even get myself to do that. Opening the cases to my instruments or turning on my xbox is a challenege.

I'm to the point to where I'm going to do something drastic. I need help. And yet have no one. Someone. Please.

Help me.

1 Comment
  1. Ajaradom 8 years ago

     I hope I can help a little thread — you are so strong, I can tell — I imagine you are a gifted musician.  Most artists I know feel deeply — really question the meaning of life — many of us live tortured lives because we feel so deeply.  I encourage you to see a doctor and let him recommend a psychiatrist.

    Do not wait — CALL a crisis hotline — suicide prevention hotline — try not to be alone right now — maybe ask a friend you feel comfortable with to come and just sit with you or you go stay with them — you don't need to be alone right now.

    I hate you had such a horrible visit to the ER — the treatment you received is absolutely unacceptable!  

    Thread — I know it's hard to see right now, but you matter to this world — in some way your presense is needed by someone somewhere — I believe your spirit needs me at this moment — we fight the fight together to live — I would not be here right now if it were not for the fact that I need your spirit to give you hope — our spirits are connecting to help one another!

    I will friend you — please know that you are not alone in the struggle.  I'm usually on line here at least once a day — I get message/comment alerts that go directly to my cell.

    Stay strong!  Your friend in the journey, Lori







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