I've always wanted to have a blog of my own, so even if no one read it, at least somewhere, someone could see how I felt. I needed to express myself, to let others know how bad I felt,because I can't express it without hurting someone.
I've had so many problems for so long my mother has given up on me, she's moved on the my cousin who is starting to get the way i was when i started out with all this. She's moving on, to see if she can help her fast enough so she won't end up like me, lost and completely broken, unable to be repaired.
I have a couple of friends, if that's what you'd like to call them. They are just people who'll accept the way I act, since I don't act normally. After school, if I even go, I just go home and sit in my room. Alone. Isolated from the world.
I've tried commiting suicide by taking a bunch of pills that were harmless. I did not know that until the people in the ER told me, and proceeded to make fun of me for failing even harder. I wish I could've done it right, but I'm to fucking stupid to even be able to kill myself correctly. Currently, I hate myself; I hate everyone; I hate everything. I've felt like this for so long I don't know how to start to crawl out of this massive dark hole I'm in.
I've always been able to see a sliver of light at the end of my life, but now it's gone. I see no future for myself because I know someday I'm going to leave this world. Now I'm telling myself why not do it now? If I'm going to do it, I should just get it over with.
I don't understand how people can cope with things. I don't undestand how people have the ability to not beat the living hell out of someone who's so irritating. To not yell or scream or throw things. I see them as saints, because I can't even begin to comprehend how to do that.
Oddly enough, I'm full of emotions, I think to many, and full of love. There's a few things that I enjoy, like games and playing music. But recently I can't even get myself to do that. Opening the cases to my instruments or turning on my xbox is a challenege.
I'm to the point to where I'm going to do something drastic. I need help. And yet have no one. Someone. Please.