This is going to be a strange post, but I just need to talk, vent and share what I am feeling. Right now I am sitting here holding my bladder because I've been running to the bathroom too much. I've had this problem growing up off and on. It is one just of the many things that gives me anxiety. Worrying about not being able to sit through a class or sitting on a train for an hour, not having a place to go to the bathroom.
I've been doing things a little out of character this week. I've been frequenting a site and posting ads. I wont' say which one, but its been interesting. I just want to be a little adventerous lol. It makes me feel "good" for awhile. I can have some fun with nobody knowing who I am. I have gotten close to my old best friend again. We are really connecting and I feel a lot less selfish than I used to be.
I don't know why I've been so anxious this past week. I mean everyday, it feels like it used to be when I was anxious everyday and trying to explain that to people makes me feel like an outcast again. I can't cope with a lot of things, only things that I know for sure I can handle. The calling of mostly any place still freaks me out.
I've been under so much stress from school. I've missed classes. I'm trying to keep up with my work. I only have 2 weeks left, including finals week. Yay I should be celebrating that I'm almost done, but I'm not. The few friends I've made here I won't ever see again b/c we are not that close and they live a couple hours and that may not seem like much, but it just won't happen. I'm afraid of living at home for a few years and that I won't ever get a stable job because I am too anxious and people don't understand that I have little control over it. I lose so much sleep.
To some people I appear totally normal and maybe thats because my depression has gotten better, but the anxiety is still here, and its letting me know its not going anywhere. But this week I've realized that it really is a disorder. That is seperate from me. I dont have as much control over it as much as I would like to think or other people say I do.
I like it when I'm not anxious and can just laugh. It is easier to be myself. But when I'm anxious I come off too strong I guess like I'm trying to hard.
I really don't want to go to my art history class tomorrow. I can't stand my teacher.
Thus ends my weird blog entry.