Dear Depression Tribe,

I'm Paige and I'm 15 years old. I first made an account on Depression Tribe about 2 or 3 years ago.

Today, I came back and was disgusted at the juvenile, ridiculous account I had-the blog posts, the photos, the groups, the profile itself…

[so I deleted most everything.]

I am astonished that I had that immature mentality, the kind in which drags behind socially among peers. But I suppose many people go through that stage with their age.

For a quick background, I left for about a year or so, and went through life as always.  For a while-6 months, I was doing pretty good.  I moved to Texas, stopped cutting, and I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I dressed like them, acted like them, faked everything-and I was at my happiest. One day, I snapped back into relaspe.

Since then my mental health has been even more unstable, than before.

At this rate, these episodes will permanently affect my future health-if they haven't already.

I am desperate, DT. I am trying to open up, trying to be social, and I have a personal little goal to make this the most amazing, memorable summer.

And yet, with my mind's ugly sludge seeping back into my lifestyle, I'm scared about what will happen. I'm scared I'll succumb, I'm scared I'll have a summer that will perhaps destroy my future.

This is where I'm hoping Depression Tribe can come back into hand.

I'm hoping that perhaps, I can start talking to some of you again. I'm hoping that I can find a way to get through this. And I'm hoping to turn this life around, and hopefully send it in the correct direction.

Now that freshman year has finished, summer will hold endless possibilities that can go both ways, and result in both negative and positive events as well as effects.

I've taken into mind of my behaviors, and after coming across a great variety of information, I realize I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

[I am wondering whether it has a link to my congenital hypothyroidism.]

I'm hoping writing and interacting with Depression Tribe once again will be a positive experience. Everybody, have a great day, an amazing day, and I wish you well. Please don't be afraid to start a conversation.

Additional information-

Here is what I have [behaviors], based for the conclusion:

• I'll have extreme or intense moodswings that are quick. Around my menstrual cycle, I tend to get angrier or more sorrowful episodes. Other than that, they can swing from joy and self confidence to anger and frustration to disappointment and extreme self loathing.
• I have self injured since the beginning pubescent age of 11. At first, it started off instinctively, yet unnoticably shallow. It then accelerated from dull pencil tips [at that time] to sharpened razors that slice much deeper and leave longer lasting marks, and chemicals [now.]
• Speaking of the age of 11, that's when I started fighting with my parents, and disagreeing with their viewpoints. That also was the starting age of a sexual abusive relationship, which I hope is not linked to BPD, although I'm sure it is.
• Due to access, I do socially use abusive substances-drugs and alcohol. However, I only do it with the mentality to have a good time. Other times, [and I'm sure if I had more of a stash, I'd do this more often,] I use these substances to deal with stress.
• I am constantly changing. At this point, I've changed enough with personality, that I have absolutely no idea who I really am inside, and it frightens me. I never keep friends around for a long time, my opinion and mentality quickly changes and swings, sometimes my morals are a joke, and sometimes they are ethical, I can not keep a goal for long-I'm always changing them-and there are many other instances.
• People think I'm joking or trying to get attention when I say that I think I'm ugly, unworthy of positive rumors, or deserving to be social with someone. I really do believe this 85% of the time. [The other 15%, I'm swinging through a period in which I have self ignorance and a disgusting sense of confidence.] I put every single person above me, that I meet. [In which case, I respect everybody else, because I DO HONESTLY believe they are better than me. I believe you're much better than me.]
• I went through the phase in which I though I was misunderstood. The phase after, I was empty, suicidal, and constantly self-loathing. Where am I now? How cliche, I do not know where I belong.
• Because I have an inferiority complex with this, I have a hard time being social. I'm shy and quiet, and am absolutely afraid to open up. So my social life is dead, and here I am, desperately trying to patch it up, to not be alone.
• Again, I always am thinking-so I always dangerously change opinions of others and how I think they view me based on little, tiny things. Sometimes I believe people are obsessed with me, sometimes I believe they are disgusted by me, and the whole idea frightens me as well. I overreact. I get hurt extremely easily by rejection or criticism.
• "These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments."
• I do do impulse activities-I have switched between wannarexia, bulimia, and I always binge eat. I have no self respect, and I have had unprotected sex more often than protected sex.

If you do believe I'm just a whiny brat that's too self obsessed, or I have the wrong idea, please feel free to message. I just want to get through and out of this mentality of self destruction and self termination. Thank you very much for reading, and again, feel free to converse.

-Paige Miyuki-