How my mental problems plague me! What to do? I've been to a therapist. I've been to years of therapy. It was never called that, though. Does that mean it's different? Point is, I've been to mental health professionals. They gave me trauma. When you have mental problems they suggest going to see a mental health "professional" and yet, I already have and it did nothing to make me better… it was always a drag, it was always like I was under a microscope, it was always like I need to smile, act perfect, repeat, until it's over and I'm a model citizen, better acting then anyone else in my class. It didn't matter if it wasn't what I thought what was best, or if the way I was, was the best way to make it in my situation… nope… I had to practice their methods no matter how frivilious they were in the ghetto… hey, man, don't shoot! Let's talk this motherfucker out! Let's calmly express our feelings, hug, and find a workable compromise. How about, we both shoot at the same time and we both shoot at non vital organs? Yay! Let's drink tea and wear a smiley face badge! HAHA!

I've been though so much abuse. I have OCD. I have these… emotional blackouts… I go totally deadened… it's a coping method but sometimes it goes too far and I get masochistic… like, I need to stress so I can get a job… I don't stress and I have no motivation to get a job… so I don't get a job… and I suffer because I am poor. Some days I am really suffering. I need a job. I also have… sort of split personality… I talk to myself internally. I say something like, "Mary you can do it! We can do it! No, I can do it. Stop thinking like that! I can think like that if I want to think like that, how is this relevant to me motivating myself?" My name is not Mary. My boyfriend has said my mental problems are no biggie. He's pretty mental, though. I've been told I come off well… and I really try… I do… I just don't know. I've been feeling weak, mentally, lately. I've been feeling depressed, dragged down by something… Sometimes I am so strong! Sometimes, I'm fucking fierce! What to do… I wish someone could take the pain away… Yeah. Whoever's out there… let's bond and send out good energy… let's rise from the ashes like the pheonix! Haha. Ugh. I sort of know it's just me… motivating myself… loving myself… getting myself anywhere… but there's got to be a better way… one is the lonliest number…song.. laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…… Well, I stayed up all night, wanting to stop being an idiot, but feeling unable to. I was in such a deadened state. I will be exhausted today. I (probably) won't get much done. I didn't want this. It's really powerful. It's like there is no much hurting me, it needs to be expressed, let out, but I don't know how, so I get like this… and then I just do nothing but mull around… act miserable… do shit that ends up hurting me… I keep being affected by the negativity. I keep trying to tune it out but it's hard. I'm sensitive to it. People need to shut da fuck up. Trying. I haven't given up yet. When will it get better? I want to be sucessful in life.