Words on a screen. Thats always how it starts out. Then you put some thoughts down. You hope somebody will read it and understand and connect with you. But that generally doesnt happen. You either get somebody who is trying to sell you something or trying to sell themselves something. Im not into the whole sales thing myself. I believe in truth, logic, the “real”.

Im going to go out this weekend to a few hobby stores i found online that sell tabletop RPGs. Its something i used to do earlier in life. Like maybe 15 or 20 + years ago. I enjoyed it, was a lot of fun. I even made my own homebrew system, created my own world. Spent a lot of time working on it. Nobody ever really even played it because people are fundamentally undependable. Its just one of those things. Im not mad about it, not bitter. But i am tired.

Really tired of trying to find friends.Because ive been trying to so long. And i keep tripping myself up.  The thing is in order probably to find friends. I have to get to the i dont give a shit stage. In order to do that i have to find something i can drown myself in hardcore to keep my mind off my anxiety. If i dont i will end up trying to hard and even if i do manage to get through my fear and anxiety im going to end up with people i dont want to hangout with really in the first place. There are so many people in this world that just are NOT right for me as far as what i need for a friend. Im not being judgmental saying that. Im just saying im pretty much an alien and finding them is like finding a needle in a haystack and the haystacks on fire, underwater.

Im trying to use all ive learned these past 20 years to put my focus on going to that store. Getting out of the house, hangout with my wife and our roommate and just have fun and a good day. But its been so long since ive had any friends, i feel isolated and cut off from the world. I try talking to my wife about it but i think shes beyond caring really. I asked her to help and she said she would. So i guess all i can do is start going on the weekends and try my best not to overthink it. Theres literally no good way to meet people around here though unless youre a drug addict or a drunk.All that i have in my town is restaurants, a walmart, and a bunch of bars.  You know you read all these things online. Do this, think this, use this method, stand on this foot etc. But it doesnt tell you how LONG this might actually take for anything to work out.

Wifes gone to a sleep study tonight, so shes not here, my son moved out, my daughter moved in, but shes gone to work now. All the time alone. I dont mind it. Im not so much lonely as just isolated lately. Which is fine. Thats good I can deal with it and i guess my normal. But its just been so many years it doesnt make much sense really. I mostly think about dieing and going home to be with God. (not suicidal) but i am ready to go whenever he says its time to go and ill be glad. I always wonder what adventures i will have on the other side.

Lifes so big, so huge you cant really even fathom it in this life. Was watching a thing about astrology earlier and how people in ancient times thought the whole universe revolved around earth. Around us. How arrogant mankind is.  How near sighted. I like people i genuinely do, dont get me wrong. But it seems like with most people everybodys heavy like a feather and deep like a bottlecap. Way too complicated too. Its really hard to make friends as an adult. Even if you find a few kewl people you genuinely like. Theres issues then too.

I just wish i didnt feel so spiritually exhausted.  Oh well no use overthinking it like i said. Just going to do and not think so much from now on. Im hoping i get more accomplished that way. But probably not. Oh well.