In an episode of "Six feet under", Ruth Fisher says that she longs to "see life clearly". That sentence stayed with me for a long time because I realised it´s also what I wish. I really want, I really need to see life clearly. Often I find my thoughts and feelings are all scattered, and I find it impossible to focus, to really see things in a clear way. My mind is a web of sad feelings from the past, fears towards the future, guilt, thoughts that scare me…. And they are all crammed together into this little space that is my mind. I really can´t think clearly.
I really wish I could afford to see a counsellor / therapist. I really need to talk to someone, I am realising it now more than ever. To be able to talk to someone about what you feel, someone who is supposed to understand, or at least is supposed to have the ability to. And not to feel guilty that you are boring them, or that they think you are mad, strange and weird. To go to a place that has the sole purpose of having people opening up to their therapist about their emotions without fear of being judged, rejected.
I fear so much for my future. I am already 31, and I am roughly in the same place I have always been: Unhappy, depressed, feeling like shit and blaming myself every minute of everyday, feeling pain and guilt and having no-one to share anything with.
Perhaps that´s why I have started to write a blog. It will be my "therapy". I can´t pay to have a person listen to me, but if anyone wants to read this, then fine. And I want to try not to edit myself because of being public. I am going to pretend no-one read this- which will probably be the case.
So, from about 2 weeks ago I had managed to stay out of bed, to do things during the day, to maintain myself occupied, which wasn´t easy as it was Xmas holidays , so there was no work, classes…and a lot of the time the gym/swimming pool was closed. But I managed it and I felt good about it. I didn’t cry for days, I felt I had a little more energy and it became easier to avoid bed.
Towards the end of those 2 weeks I was spending time in my room, though. Doing the same I was doing before (when i lived in bed), only not actually getting into bed, just sitting on it watching series on my mac and knitting.
But now it´s been a few days that I have fallen into the familiar pattern again. The mind can be so powerful. I think I have actually made myself sick. Classes started, and I went for the first two days. Only that coming back yesterday from class I felt faint in the undergroud, and I spend the rest of the day in bed, and haven´t moved since. Haven´t gone to school or to work today. Again putting up excuses to stay in bed. And it´s not laziness. I just …..I just don´t want to have to face the world. I don´t know what it is. Perhaps I am just so used to being a loser…to making up excuses, to not go to work/school. What am I afraid of? I want to see these things clearly, why can´t I?
I have spend the last 10 years or so of my life unhappy. But truly, I can´t remember ever being happy, or ever not being unhappy.
How can I make it stop? I must be strong and go to school tomorrow and start again getting active. It´s the only thing that will get me out of the depression or what ever it is that I have been suffering from for the last 10 years.
This post also in my bog : http://myheroinepretend.blogspot.com/