Today I saw my therapist, we had a long chat about the fact that I had a very bad episode just recently. I told her I tried twice to get in touch with her but couldn't. I went to the doctors and spoke to him, my therapist read his notes and we talked about my suicidal thoughts and why I have them again. I balled my eyes out yet again and discussed lots of issues with her. In the end though not much is different. She says I have to force myself more to get up and out and do things, I explained that doing things alone is no fun and in this day of financial worries I really can't afford to just "Go for a drive" to anywhere that gets me out. She kept asking me to explain what stops me from doing bad things like self harm. I lied. I couldnt help it how do you explain the fear of being found by some poor unsuspecting person or thinking about the anger of your family, though why i think about that I'll never know. It's not like they think too much of me now. My sister even went to the degree of saying I CHOOSE to be alone. Nope I moved here to be closer to family. Is it my fault they all have now moved away????? And how can she say I was alone when I looked after mum and dad for so long. Since leaving home at the age of 20yrs I have been within a five minute drive from them all my life. Is it my fault that I am single???? No one has asked me the biggie Q So at the end of the session I returned to my car and said to myself okay I will go for a drive and I did STRAIGHT HOME where I have been all day. How are you supposed to just stop the anxiety that overwhelms you when you think about going out? I get so scared that I lock myself in and shake. How are you supposed to force yourself to do things when just getting out of your bed and getting dressed is the feat of the day? I think I am fabulous for holding down a fulltime job and showing up for it. Though sometimes I would love to hide and never come out. That was My Day.

1 Comment
  1. katc 4 years ago

    I can relate. I am so lonely and alone. I put my life on hold to live and take care of my parents. My mother passed nearly 4 years ago & now I care for just my dad who will be 81 and has copd & chf. My boyfriend of 2 years moved 3,000 miles away and now I’m absolutely devastated. I think of suicide, but I have a daughter and could never leave her behind.
    I have a couple friends, but they are busy and tired of hearing my woes.
    I know how lonely, scary, and tiring life can be.

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