Greetings Tribe, I hope each of you is having a great (or better) day.
I don't have much time this morning, but here's what I found out. The thoughts (suicide) seem to be waiting just outside the gates, beyond my defenses. So, if I'm over tired, sick, or just entering sleep…my defenses lower and the thoughts come in. I thought I dealt with those thoughts already and for a long time they were not around at all. However…here they are again.
I didn't keep up with my diet, which dropped my energy levels, which lowered my defenses. To correct that, I'm tracking what I eat with plans to see a nutricianist. That with help keep my defenses up, but will not actually solve this issue.
So, I figure it has to come down to why I'm not satisfied with my life. Why else would these thoughts (without the desire) be present. One, I used to work at a job that I was needed…now I feel like a cog in the machine, not really needed nor appreciated. Two, I haven't set any life Goals in like 5 years, all my previous goals have been completed, life is standing still sometimes. Three, even with several dating profiles out there, no nibbles…makes me feel undesired.
I thought it had to be one of those, but I realized those too are symptoms and not issues. The issue beneath all those is to be needed. (1)I don't feel NEEDED at work (2)No goals for years…I'm apparently not needed in life (3)No one wants to even try to date me, I'm not needed by any women.
So, if I don't feel needed in any aspect of my life…that seems to be a good reason why the suicide thoughts might be around, don't you think?