So, my friend Ben is here, which is good.   I have missed him a lot.   Rocking out to the Smashing Pumpkins.  It’s been a pretty good day.

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel"

I talked to Ace, briefly, which always helps me.  He’s really helped me – more than I can even put into words.  I don’t know what I can even say about it – how do you describe the generousity of someone who is willing to be that patient?  To save you from yourself, again, and again? 

I couldn’t talk along because my friend Ben is here – the font keeps going goofy on this guppy pc.  At least it’s working for now.  I still need to fix my pc.  So much to do… 

"Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe that life can change
That youre not stuck in vain
Were not the same, were different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight"

I have been weary, but I am optimistic.  This medication could really change things for me.   Everything is already changing so much – this could make all the difference.  I am starting to have a little more faith.  I was feeling a little discouraged, for a while, but now, I am starting to feel a little better about things.

"And you know youre never sure
But youre sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born"

Charlie and I have been getting along well.  I don’t really know what that means, at the moment, but it seems like a good thing.

Even with a new ac unit, on full blast, it’s still a little muggy in here.

A shower would feel good right about now.

"Believe, believe in me, believe
Believe in the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe theres not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight"

I need to order some late night dinner.  I feel shaky, and that could be why – hunger.  I usually don’t feel hunger like other people, these days.  I start getting weary, or irritable – and, then, I remember that I haven’t eaten.

I need to take some steps to organize my world, a little.  Register for those classes, next week, and coax Charlie into helping me with the house while he’s home this weekend.

I don’t know how he feels about anything.  He’s been very nice, but I don’t know what he’s thinking.  I never know, anymore.  Maybe, I never did.  But, I still care.

i just have to focus on pulling myself together, right now.

"Well crucify the insincere tonight
Well make things right, well feel it all tonight
Well find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight" (The Smashing Pumpkins, "Tonight, Tonight")

My friend Maria is nodding – probably xanax.  It bothers me, so much.  I don’t want to see that shit – I have tried saying as much.  Doesn’t matter…

I feel tired, and weary, at the moment, but I’m okay.  Just need to eat something…

Time to go get food.