So I've been seeing this guy for a little while now and things have been going really well as we spend time together and get to know each other better. Nothing's rushed and it's all been very comfortable so far. However, being the way I am, I can't help but think to the future and consider where this all would go and how it would turn out. I'm not talking distant future, but near future. If things keep going at the pace that they are, he may end up my boyfriend at some point. Nothing terribly serious right away, of course, we're definitely easing into each other. My main concern is this: how long is it okay to keep my depression a secret from him if we do start dating? Is it okay to save that kind of information for the distant future when things do get serious? I would just do it that way, but it can affect me so heavily sometimes I feel like it would be impossible to just keep it from someone that's a regular part of my life.
I mentioned in my last blog that my past serious relationships just kind of fell into my lap- I never had to work up to them. Those guys all knew what I was dealing with and it didn't affect them. They knew what they were getting into. I'm worried that if I don't tell him right away, I'll end up falling for him more and more, and then when I do tell him in the future, he'd leave me and I'd be heartbroken. I can't say just yet what I think his reaction would be, but he made one comment that worried me just a little bit. We were talking about his older brother and all of the crazy girls he's gotten into relationships with. By crazy, I mean trashy, clingy, crazy bags of trouble. We weren't at all talking about depression. And then he said "When I saw you, I definitely didn't see any of that crazy. Weird, yes, but not crazy. I don't do crazy." The whole "weird" thing is meant to be a compliment- it's an inside joke. It just made me wonder if he would consider clinical depression to be "crazy." What about my hospitalizations? A lot of people might argue that having to spend some time in a mental facility qualifies as crazy, even though it definitely does not mean you're crazy. It means you suffer from a serious illness of the mind, just as some people suffer cancer or heart disease(if I did ever tell him, I think that would be the best way to explain it to him).
I really like this boy and it's fun and exciting spending time with him, but I'm always at least alittleafraid he's going to see through me and find all my flaws, even though so far he seems to really like what he sees.
What do you all think? (Beware, I'm full of questions today.)
- Is it okay to try to keep your depression from a boyfriend/girlfriendas long as you can?
- Is there a specific time in the relationship that you should tell them?
- Is it like lying to keep it from them?
- Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?
I suppose I shouldn't let my depression define me in this way and run my life. It's not like someone with arthritis meets someone and says, "Hi, my name's _____ and I have arthritis." Why would I do that with my depression? I'm sure I'll figure it out. For now, I appreciate the feedback. As always, thanks for reading and I hope you all are well. -Theresa