Another pointless day. I slept alot to get through the day and I'm taking something to help me sleep, wish I could just sleep for awhile and wake up somewhere else, happy and whole, children running around playing, sunshine streaming through my soul again.

I've been thinking about sucide… the people it would effect if I choice to end my misery, there aren't alot of people in my world now, very few close to me, I think it would be hard on my mom only because she needs me to take care of her, I'm POA, and the responsible one, other than that, everyone else would grieve and be able to move on due to the fact no one else is heavely involved in my world. I am of very little value on a day to day bases, my life has lost its meaning, I know longer have any dreams, no direction, no ambition, no tomorrow, no reason to even get out of bed tomorrow. I cannot support myself and do not care to continue begging for help or living in poverty. I truley am fighting daily not to kill myself, everything is such a mess, with no hopes no dreams, no future except continual struggles, wht shouldn't I just end it? I'm asking myself this so often. I want to take pills and just be done, to finally be free of this mess. I don't need a tomorrow, no job, no car, no life, so why must I struggle to go on? It doesn't make any sense to keep on, keeping on….for what? Wake up tomorrow to do what? I feel like dying tonight, my life is over, my world gone,so why not ? I'm not living, just existing, so with no quality of life , no hope, no dreams, no job, no car , no income, no anything, wht not death its final and there's no more …nothing.

Should I say goodbye, should I write letters, should I go away somewhere, should I tell someone my thoughts, probably not. One more night to struggle through only to face another one tomorrow night, this is so crazy…why not just end this cycle? death sounds really comforting,

Know more crashing tides to overcome to deal with no more struggles, no more pain, no more poverty, no more demands, no more betrayals, no more health problems, no more begging, no more humiliation, no more joy, no more past, present, no more being hungry, tired, no more hurt, no more sun in my eyes, no more jokes, no more silly moments, no more wrinkles, lol, no more just sleep…..sounds good to me. I've lived my life, now its over , there's nothing left , except distress……death sounds good to me. Pass the pill bottle would you? please have mercey on me.

  1. flowermantis 12 years ago

    Hi Di.I read your blog and I rarely respond to anyone's blog,but I felt compelled to just say -Honestly,I have been where you are.6 years ago I had no job,no references due to being out of work so long,no car ,mountains of bills,living in a room at friend,s house.Apart from that I had(and still have) medical problems that impact on my life heavily,hardly anyone around me,just endless hell.I thought I could never work again but I was desparate to earn money and try to get it together.After numerous soul sucking jobs,someone gave me a break.I got a good job in the civil service,it was a miracle.In the beginning,it was a baptism of fire,I was in a terrible mental and physical state and i had to do so much at work,dealing with the public,heaps of stuff.But I ended up making it.Ive been at the same job for 6 years,its the bais of me being able to have a bit of a life.I was able to get a home,a car,pay my debts .Im far from Ok,I have some awful problems that nearly sent me to suicide over the last few years,but having my job has saved my life.hang in there Di,keep looking and someone will give you a break like they did me.Things will get better,just keep going Di,just keep going and the odds turn,really they do.

    Take care,


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  2. polarbear 12 years ago

    do u want to chat

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