Another pointless day. I slept alot to get through the day and I'm taking something to help me sleep, wish I could just sleep for awhile and wake up somewhere else, happy and whole, children running around playing, sunshine streaming through my soul again.
I've been thinking about sucide… the people it would effect if I choice to end my misery, there aren't alot of people in my world now, very few close to me, I think it would be hard on my mom only because she needs me to take care of her, I'm POA, and the responsible one, other than that, everyone else would grieve and be able to move on due to the fact no one else is heavely involved in my world. I am of very little value on a day to day bases, my life has lost its meaning, I know longer have any dreams, no direction, no ambition, no tomorrow, no reason to even get out of bed tomorrow. I cannot support myself and do not care to continue begging for help or living in poverty. I truley am fighting daily not to kill myself, everything is such a mess, with no hopes no dreams, no future except continual struggles, wht shouldn't I just end it? I'm asking myself this so often. I want to take pills and just be done, to finally be free of this mess. I don't need a tomorrow, no job, no car, no life, so why must I struggle to go on? It doesn't make any sense to keep on, keeping on….for what? Wake up tomorrow to do what? I feel like dying tonight, my life is over, my world gone,so why not ? I'm not living, just existing, so with no quality of life , no hope, no dreams, no job, no car , no income, no anything, wht not death its final and there's no more …nothing.
Should I say goodbye, should I write letters, should I go away somewhere, should I tell someone my thoughts, probably not. One more night to struggle through only to face another one tomorrow night, this is so crazy…why not just end this cycle? death sounds really comforting,
Know more crashing tides to overcome to deal with no more struggles, no more pain, no more poverty, no more demands, no more betrayals, no more health problems, no more begging, no more humiliation, no more joy, no more past, present, no more being hungry, tired, no more hurt, no more sun in my eyes, no more jokes, no more silly moments, no more wrinkles, lol, no more just sleep…..sounds good to me. I've lived my life, now its over , there's nothing left , except distress……death sounds good to me. Pass the pill bottle would you? please have mercey on me.