4a.m… head spining, battle bewtween good and bad thoughts …and bad thoughts is wining. soul full of sin which is weird cuz this evening i felt cleansed. danced my heart out,cried a little, praised and showed my faithfulness, and in the aisle of the church..yep! i stood in the middle of it. but how could that feeling only last that night. how come my faith isn't that tight? why did i hold back so much last night!? when am i gunna be ready to show life im in it for the fight? i was thinking about it earlier n from what i understood? its easier to be bad…im not ready to be good. which i should, because i accepted the lord jesus Christ as my savior. about five years ago and slipped into that white gown and under the holy water i go! my sins and my old life and habits were supposed to stay below, and when i came up a new christian life was what i was to uphold. but instead everything got worse from then on. things i cant even mention in this poem not even a song. things that my own flesh and blood dont know of. things that keep me crying everyday and that i hold on to. and more than ever the devil speaks to me so clearly. convinces me to give up, and not live fearly. makes me believe i can walk into any situation as if im bullet proof. makes me not have any sympathy for people who show up dead on the news. lets me believe theres never an alternative talks to me like…"who!? jesus?? nah i never heard of him". at times i wish i were stronger and faith. but i know who and what i believe in. and that can never be replaced. but then why do i still feel the need to drink? why do i want stay broken and take pills? why do you think? it's easier being bad then facing your problems and being good. being this way is all i know, my mind being unbalanced is easier than taking control. and i like having to be worried about and i like being fucked up! and i like mixing drinks in the bottom of my cup! but meanwhile i hate myself. i hate having to explain the pain i felt. i hate having to hide who i really am, just because the people i like can handle me if they knew what i am. i hate being fake around this guy i like. i hate that he doesnt really know anything thats going on in my life. i hate that i shake everytime i think about my ex. i hate what i went through in my past and how its gunna effect the next. i hate that i cant stop from rocking back and fourth. i cant stand how my anxiety goes so far up my voice gets horse. i cant stand that i cant let go of the past. i hate that i fucked up so much that my troubles always seem to last. I FUCKIN HATE HOW I CANT STAND MY DAD. AND I CANT HATE THAT THE LITTLEST THINGS MAKE ME SO MAD. I HATE THAT I GET SO SAD TO THE POINT WHERE I CANT MOVE AND PEOPLE FEEL SO BAD. i dislike going to therapy once a week, i dislike that to people i love i can be so mean. im fusterated that this poem is contradicting. im fusterated about this apartment we live in. i hate that he's happy with another girl. i hate that im not the center of a guys world. i hate that i depend on others to make me happy. i hate that i dont have a pill to make sane. and i hate the way my kids might turn out the same. i hate that i've met certain people. and most of all i hate how this poem won't come to an end, only cuz the truth wasn't bent. all of this shyt comes from within. so i'll just say "to be continued" instead of "the end".