I hadn't intended to write again for awhile, but I'm really hurting and feeling so overwhelmed that I need to let it out somehow.
I've been fighting a bout of depression for quite awhile now, but it's been more stealthy and sneaky than what I've experienced in the past. It's like when you're driving down the highway in the early morning~ there's just a bit of a haze in the air, leaving condensation on your window. But it becomes more coagulated, and you only notice once it has become so dense that it's nearly impossible to see.
It used to be that I would "dive-bomb" as we called it~ my bottoming out would begin suddenly and explode into horrific depression within days. It was obvious when things were getting bad.
This has been sneaking up slowly since shortly before I lost my position at the music store. There were several deaths in our circle of friends, and it was sad. Thenthe cold text from my manager "friend" about letting me go. Then came the 4th of July with all of it's ramifications and spreading my grandmother's ashes. Then my husband's surgery and the big blow-up with my mother-in-law. Now I'm trying to help my Aunt recuperate from having her hip replaced, but she will use me for as much as I'm worth.
I keep giving and giving more of myself, but I don't feel as though anyone is refueling ME with the same kind of love and kindness and compassion in my physical world. I feel like I'm shriveling like a snail under the summer sun, no shade to be found. I have tried to embrace positivity wholly, to live my life trying to focus on the good things and letting go of the bad. But suddenly I realize I don't feel like doing it anymore~ that I've been lying to myself about things changing for the better if I just chose to see through a different perspective.
The honest truth is that I feel like the people I often devote the most of my time to and give them the most room in my heart take complete advantage of me. I don't want to be kind to them anymore~ I want to tell them how much they're hurting me and be honest instead of smile and pretend I'm okay with it. Because I'm not. It's like a slap in the face every time it happens.
I've slept most of the day today. My husband and I had a nasty confrontation this morning~ he's gets really mean when he doesn't get enough sleep, which is all too often because he works the graveyard shift. He immediately started in on our son when he walked through the door, and ended up making him cry over something ridiculous. I got in his face about it, and ended up telling him that if this was how it was going to continue to be he might as well pack up and move out because I was done with his critical and calculated cruel remarks.
Why do I always love the wrong people, letting the wrong ones in? Why do I put myself on the line, let it all out to be seen for who I really am and accepted that way, when most of the time I end up being an outsider, someone different? Why are people so cruel so often?
My therapist told me in my last session that I let people in too deep before the relationship warrants that kind of trust. I told her it had to do with me giving them complete acceptance and showing them that I can love them with their flaws. She asked me why I do this, and I told her that I thought maybe it was because I wanted the same from them. She stated that she wants to "explore" this more because there are roots to this issue that need to be dealt with. I'm not looking forward to the digging that's bound to come with the work…I just want to be left alone and stop for awhile. I don't want to have to think about "being ill" any more, I just want to sleep or give up completely~ let the illness do what it wants and then let it have it's way. After all, it wants me to self-destruct and I'm tired of fighting it. Why not just let it and give myself some peace finally?
I've always been a fighter, but I feel like the fire has died. Apathy has taken it's place and intends to stay it seems. I'm so tired. I don't want any more doctors filling me up with pills, no more therapy appointments to talk about "my problems", no more dealing with all of it. Just let me rest for heaven's sake. Just let me be!
Again today I was reminded of what a fool I am in expecting friendship that flows both ways. I stopped by the music shop to see if my violin was ready to be picked up and visited with some of my co-worker friends while there. But when I went to talk to my ex-manager (my so-called friend) he treated me like he treats the customers~ polite, distant and and cool. He asked me to give him another week to get it finished. After that I said okay, and announced that I needed to go because my family was sitting in the car waiting. I got the feeling that my presence was making him uncomfortable and I didn't want that understanding, so I left quickly.
It hurt so much that he had turned into someone who I don't know, that really could care less about me and that the friendship between us was never really a friendship to begin with. I don't think he's capable of anything that real, that deep. It's too threatening to him to talk about who he really is inside. So he has buddies that he ocassionally goes out with when he's bored or doesn't want to be alone. I don't think he has any real friends. Just his girlfriend and his parents that he communicates ocassionally with.
I don't know~ I just feel like maybe humanity is never going to be "good" in the long run.That what you see is what you get. I'd give the shirt off my back to help someone in need, but not many would do the same for me. Why?
I don't like where my thoughts lie right now…it scares me some. I keep telling myself that it will pass, but I don't know if that's true. I don't know what's true anymore. God help me.