Started work, finally after 3 yrs, but i constantly worry that i\’m gonna get sacked 🙁 . Hadn\’t worked for 3 yrs because of arthritis. And although i do my best it is extremely painful. I am constantly worrying that, because i am slow and sore, i\’m going to get in trouble. I have always worked since i was 16, and to get arthritis and technically become disabled is more that my brain can handle. I live in the country so jobs are hard to come by and living on welfare doesn\’t pay for much. I try so hard to make it through but, sometimes, i hit a wall and just can\’t go any further. I don\’t identify as disabled, so it is hard to justify how slow i am. My employer has been very accommodating, but it doesn\’t make me feel any better 🙁 . Work is my only get out of home thing atm. So to lose it would be devastating, both financially and mentally. I just want it to get easier…. I just want to feel useful again. I\’m sick of my body not allowing me to do things that i used to be able to do. I have never felt so isolated and alone as i do now. I mean, shit, I\’ve been tough for years. I deal with my anxiety and my depression. It is what it is. Getting older sucks, but i\’m not 65 i\’m 43. I should be able to have a job and do it properly. I shouldn\’t be stressing out because i\’m not even sure if my body will hold out 🙁. I have had depression and anxiety since i was 12. Wasn’t medicated till i was 24. When i was diagnosed with post natal depression. Which was a crock but whatever they gave me drugs and all was good :D. I meditate when i can, i take the nasty drugs they give me to relieve my arthritis, i go out to work, to pay my bills and to help my self esteem. My self esteem, however, is kinda stuffed up because i physically just can’t do it. No matter how hard i try :(.

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