Part of me feels bad for coming on here talking about a shopping addiction. But I can say and on no uncertain terms, that shopping/spending addictions are very bad and mine has reached a new low. I am completely out of control.

That wouldn't be so bad if I were like my rich cousin back east who never seems to run out of money (she inherited a lot of it) But I am on a very limited income and I'm burning through my savings at an alarming rate. And I can't stop. I know I should stop, but I can't. I just want to buy, buy, buy. Nothing is ever enough and I feel like a greedy bitch but the real psychology behind it is that it's stress, sadness, lonliness, helplesness… it all comes out in wanting to own things.

I enjoy my things, I don't just throw them all in a pile, but I feel like I need and want more. I am a collector. I collect everything from 1980's toys to jewelry. I am by no means rich and the things I have aren't really worth all that much but I love them. I just wish I could be HAPPY with what I have and stop wanting MORE.

It's kinda like when I drink and I get drunk and I still (in the moment) want MORE then I get out of control and eventually pass out. It's like when I eat and am full, but it's good and I eat MORE. I have gained 25 pounds in less than 6 months.

I feel like a pig. I am a pig. If I think about it too much I want to kill myself. I hate myself for being so fucking greedy and gross!

I KNOW it's because I feel lost. I know it's because I am in love with a man that I can't have. And I know it's becauseI feel likeI have no control over my life which I don't.

A couple of years ago, I had savings and I was doing OK. I didn't eat much and I was thin. I was drinking a lot though, but for some reason that was the only thing I was going overboard on.

Now it's the BIG 3: Eating, drinking and spending. The spending is the worst.

Ugh, I know it's so trite and trivial compared to substance abuse, but not when you start to go in debt. I am just glad I dont' have credit cards. I do it all on cash and soon I'll have nothing.

Maybe when I have nothing I will sell some of my things again and start over. I just wish I didn't WANT for material things. I feel like they own me instead of the other way around.


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