New to the blogging but think it may be a good outlet to try.  Seems things wont get better. Financially it is horrible, personally confused and crawling out of my skin.

I went through 5 months of trying to get the bank to work with me on modifying the mortgage payment (of which I struggle monthly to pay) and they came back and expect a month and a half payment now.  What the hell are these people thinking.  Im behind – I struggle to pay it and they now want me to pay almost double? My husband seems to think that there is nothing to worry about. He just goes on with a smile while I cry myself to sleep at the thought of loosing my house.  I love my house and although it has a lot of bad memories, it also has good memories. Ive put my heart and soul into this house and feel like I should do whatever it takes to keep it but on the other hand, Im tired, Im tired of hanging on.  Part of me just wants to walk away – but because of my kids, I won't.

I am personally a mess.  I have the most amazing husband who I love more than anything but he doesn't seem to know that I exist. I mean, seriously, just a ounce of concern, kind words, a hug, a kiss, a compliment.  Something.  Its like Im a babysitter and room mate – and not to mention a paycheck.  What can I do to get him to notice me? I've expressed my feelings a million times but seems it is going right up against a brick wall. I deserve to be loved, touched and complimented.  Im a good person, good wife and great mother. What am I doing wrong? Im not the most beautiful woman, not thin, not real outgoing, What? What needs to happen before he realizes what he has? What I have? We are perfect together but somewhere along the line, I got lost. I need him back again.

Now, to top all of this off, we have the holidays coming with no money to buy gifts – not even for my two boys – Our families don't know what we are going through and to be honest, I don't really want them to know.  It will only be met with critism of how bad we budgeted.  But 1 year of unemployment and mounting medical bills from a surgery my husband almost died from will shatter any household.  We filed for Bankruptcy – again, another low moment so again, not something I want to share – so what money we did have went to pay for that.  Seems like we just cant get a break.

Along with all of these things, just more and more disappointments with family and friends – a lose of trust towards anyone. Just so much to deal with on a daily basis that most days I'd rather not get out of bed. I do this for my boys. If it weren't for them, Im not sure where I'd be, or if I'd be.

What have I done wrong? What did I do to deserve all of this? All I want to do is to be happy. Why is this so hard?