I am looking for Jesus, and I can’t find Him anywhere. I mean, anywhere. I’ve been praying and praying, and nothing is happening. It’s like He’s not there at all. I don’t understand how everyone else is connecting to Him, because I just can’t find Him. I am immensely frustrated. I can’t find God in nature, because nature looks extremely ugly to me these days; how could God be in such an ugly place? I can’t find God when I pray, because when I pray, nothing happens. It’s like my third eye is blocked off. I believe in the third eye, because I remember how it felt when I could pray before, it felt like I was connecting to God through a pathway from my forehead. It’s hard to explain other than that.
I am so frustrated I could scream. Where is Jesus? He has to be here somewhere. Have I come to a place where God doesn’t exist? That’s what it feels like. That would explain why/how everything is so ugly all of a sudden. The bad voice tells me it’s true, that God is not here, and I should just give up. But I can’t give up! The trees look normal to my husband, so it must just be me that sees things this way. Everyone else is going about life like everything is fine, so it must just be my symptoms that are causing me to see the world in this way. And people still have faith and go to church and life is going on like normal out there, so God must be around somewhere. The bad voice is telling me that nothing is real, that it’s just me and the orange cones, that no one in my life is really there, which is why I feel so detached from everything. I don’t want to believe the bad voice, but what he says matches my experience, so it’s hard to just dismiss him. My husband tells me to just dismiss the bad voice, and tell it it’s wrong, to tell it otherwise when it tells me frightening things. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have everything go back to normal. It really feels like nobody in my life is real at all. That includes God.
I need Jesus so badly, I’m desperate for Him. I need Him more than I’ve ever needed Him before. More than I’ve ever needed anything before. I know that if I could just find Him, everything would go back to normal and all would be well again. The bad voice tells me it’s never going to happen. It has to happen! Jesus has to come back to me! I’m seeking with all my heart! Didn’t he say, knock and the door shall be opened to you? I’m knocking like crazy! The frustration doesn’t end. The bad feelings don’t end. The fear doesn’t end. I don’t know what else to do, I’m at the end of my rope. I want to cry so badly, but I can’t even do that! I can’t cry, I can’t scream, I can’t find God. No way, no how. This is such a nightmare. I really, truly don’t know what to do.
I won’t start my spiritual direction until April 7th, but the good news is that my therapist is willing to work with my spirituality and help me reconnect to God. He believes in God. God must be here somewhere, or else nothing would exist. And that’s just what scares me, because I constantly feel like everything is disappearing. That’s my number one symptom- feeling like I am disappearing, along with everything else. Like nothing is really here. That’s how I feel. And if God were here, he would hold the world together, but since He is not here (so it would seem), the world is falling apart at the seams. Literally. Everything looks like it’s literally disappearing! I am at my wit’s end with all of this. I don’t know what to do. I need Jesus! I need God the Father! I need the Holy Spirit! I need God! If you pray, and you happen to be reading this, please pray for me. I need all the prayers I can get. Thank you.