Apparently someone actually read my other entry. And so I figured that I would give a quick update:
I walked to a park that was a mile from my house, and I walked deep into the woods there. I left the path and sat down next to a random tree, then I set-up my chess set. I played a game with myself. Then, as I begun to leave, I noticed something in the dirt underneath where I was stacking my captured pieces. It looked like some sort of dirty poker chip or something, and so I just put it into one of the velvet bags I carried my chess pieces in.
(As a side note, on the way back I nearly died because it was a hundred degrees outside. It was totally stupid of me to try and walk back in that weather – it was much cooler in the morning when I walked over. But I am from the north and only moved down here with my parents a few years ago so I didn't really understand how dangerous heat can be. And it can be very serious – if it's really hot out, you NEED to bring water or it can seriously KILL you! I was losing color in my vision and I had to go to the doctor's office and get an inhaler again and everything [which I hadn't needed since I was a little kid].)
That evening (immediately after 6 hours of recovering), I put the muddied piece I found in a cup of soapy water. I cleaned it off, and underneath I found what looked like a purple chess piece. I thought that this was one climax of coincidence that occurred between me and my ex, because I had always joked with her about how every time I saw the color purple I thought of her (there is a reason for this, but it's nothing I want to write about where the whole internet can read). The odds of such a thing happening were incomprehensible to me. Just as the odds of having met a woman that beautiful and perfect were also incomprehensible to me.
I should have known better.
When I held it up to the light, you could see the crown that was imprinted on each side. And the crowns were flipped, and so in the light it looked as though the plastic piece had a can of soup printed on it.
It was ominous.
I was still so miserable, and I was still slowly cracking-up. And so I know it sounds sort of stalkerish, but I checked one of her profiles to see how she was. And someone had asked her how she was, and I was curious if she was as fucked-up as I was. So I clicked on the person's profile, and read her response. And her response was…
"I'm really bored. I'm still waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work."
…well, there were more emoticons in her response. In other words, not only was she not in hell like me, but she had a boyfriend. And she lived with him. And what I had suspected but choose not to believe, was true. Another woman had played me. And suddenly, it became obvious how we could have had so much in common: she lied.
So, I feel much better.
Don't get me wrong, because this still hurts more than anything I've experienced. But after being destroyed once before, I've somehow become stronger. I am hurting more, but it isn't destroying me. What was really destroying me, was the idea that this most beautiful woman in the world, a woman more beautiful than any dream or character from a fiction, was in danger. I imagined scenarios like Rosemary's Baby, where the fucker who hacked me was screwing her and playing her. But I was the one being played. And I'm so incredibly relieved. I'm not falling apart now, despite that it really, really, really hurts.