Tomorrow is the big day, the first time I've seen her and actually spoken to her since the 15th. Tomorrow will decide how I proceed further. She posted this (bottom of the blog) on her Facebook profile on Saturday and this proves to me she has already decided our fate. I've been fighting a losing battle all along, I just didn't realize it and neither did her mom. Her mom hasn't even spoken to her in a few days. She blames the 3 druggies she hangs out with along with her dad. With the way this has happened I'm doubting I really am the father or that she's planned this from the beginning knowing how nice I am and how good of credit I have. I've already been told I've tried to reconcile with her more than most men would but it seems it didn't matter. I've given up and started to become more angry than anything with that picture message she posted (again, bottom of the blog since I couldn't figure out how to insert images).

I feel like I've been used the whole time and I may end up paying for this until I'm 51 with no way out if it is my child. She will take me for every penny she can and limit my time with my child as much as possible. I won't be able to undo any damage she does or be present enough to really instill good responsible morals and habits. S/he will most likely grow up to be like their mother, and her mother before her. My grandparents had a huge hand in raising me since my grandmother was my babysitter and they came to get me for Sunday School every Sunday. Now my grandmother has passed on (August 2006) and my Grandfather's health is fading. My mom passed away in January 1998 and my father works 2 full time jobs to support my autistic nephew and lazy step-mother who won't work. This pretty much leaves me with my mom's parents who travel most of the year and won't be around to provide a good solid foundation for my child, and all in the hands of her family. If the plan a friend of mine came up with doesn't work, which is along the same lines as what was discussed in chat a few days ago, I feel I may have to do what is morally wrong but the only way to really give my child a chance – voluntarily terminate my rights. She will take me for all she can and make my life a living Hell while using my child as a weapon against me. If I sever my rights, there is a chance another man may come along and succeed where I failed by getting her life back on track and being a good father for my child. Some will say you should NEVER turn your back on your own child, but I don't see how a few hours a week is really worth while when I work 80 hours a week and may still not be able to support myself and be tired all the time. I wouldn't be able to attend most school functions, parent/teacher conferences, I'd be tired when I do have my child, and their mother would most likely be filling their head with horrible lies about me. None of this seems worth it to me and would make me feel like she won by destroying my will and spirit. She got the child she wanted and a man to pick up the tab for most of it so she's free to live her life the way she wants. If I'm not in the picture, she will be able to focus more on our child and less on finding ways to hurt me and take advantage of my caring beliefs.

What she says when I confront her on Tuesday will decide on which course of action I will start taking. I plan to still attend the monthly appointments if she will let me and I will still explore ways to pay for a lawyer and maybe get the law on my side with the information I know and logs of all contact I've had in the last couple weeks. The contact records show I have been trying to reach out to her to no avail. Hopefully it'll help. I will be talking with her mom too since she supports me so maybe we can team up together. I'm almost positive reconciliation is no longer an option so it's time to forget about her and focus on my child. If I do decide to terminate my rights, I will be talking to her mother about it and giving her a letter with information about me, my family, and the situation to give to my child. I want them to know what happened when they are old enough to understand and know about their father's side of the family, what kind of people we are, and some of our history. They should know I didn't abandon them because I never wanted them or didn't care, I left because I felt they would have a better chance without me and because their mother drove me away. I would still keep in touch with her mother on occasion and let her know where I am. I've read stories about children who try to track down their birth parents when they are older, and I would like that if my child did.

There is still time to decide what I will do, and maybe another option will present itself or she will miraculously snap out of whatever is messing with her head and everything will work out.

EDIT: I thought the idea through but never looked up PA law. It seems I can't voluntarily terminate my rights unless the mother agrees, and even then I will still have to pay her support. The only way to not have to pay her is if there is a step-parent adoption, so unless I can get custody of my child, she's won.

Here is the text portion of the picture message she posted on Facebook that I consider the final nail in the coffin. I don't know how to insert images in these so I just typed it out by hand:

"When a girl gives up on you, good luck.

When she gives up on you, it's obvious.

1. She will not try to catch your attention.

2. She will not fight for you anymore.

3. She won't reply to your message as quickly anymore.

4. She won't try to keep the conversation going anymore.

5. She will not care anymore.

6. She will no longer get jealous.

7. She will flirt and talk to other guys.

8. She no longer cares if you care or not anymore.

9. She no longer goes to your profile and whines to people about how happy you are, talking to other girls.

10. She will give up on trying to make you love her, because she finally realizes that she deserves better.

And you will miss her. Miss the way she cared about you. Miss the way she loved you. And you have lost her."