Just to be forewarned, I'm feeling pretty verbose. This could be painful. And very, very random.
So… since I got back into the therapy thing a little over a month ago, I think I've hit my threshold as far as socializing goes. It's almost like the hour I spend talking to her every other week just kills any desire to deal with most people. Aside from my two closest AT friends, I just suck at any sort of social interaction. When I'm not withdrawn or irritable, I'm just too worried that I'm going to say something stupid or harsh or insensitive to some of the few people that actually get me. I feel like.. a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Like…
my skin is too tight and my thoughts are too chaotic sometimes to make sense, even to myself, so why should I try talking to anyone else?
I want to put Shrinkie-Poo in a corner. I want her to stop looking at me. She makes me feel conspicuous and I can't concentrate. It feels like she's staring, but she would probably say she wasn't, if I asked. The camouflage underwear aren't working. I think she sees me… lmao
I don't know. I don't know anymore when it started to get so hard to just be in the same room with someone else.
I went to a store yesterday and didn't freak out.
For some reason, I must have been really focused on the cashier, because I didn't even notice that there were 3 people behind me until he was done ringing me up. And I still didn't panic, even though they were kind of crowding my space. I was surprised to see them.
If I can figure out how to make that work when I need it to…
When I'm around other people, I'm usually pretty scattered. I usually have to know where I am in relation to other people. I can't stand being touched. I tend to get very anxious if anyone gets within 3 feet of me. Stores are especially bad, with people reaching in front of me to grab something from a shelf or getting in line behind me at the check-out. Most of my shopping is done between 3 and 5AM at all-night stores when I only have to deal with the night stockers.
Babbling. My point was, I'm usually paying attention to where everyone is, because I don't want to be startled when a hand reaches out in front of me, and I generally don't go to the register while someone else is already in line, so I can't get stuck between two people and start feeling trapped, and the whole time, I'm usually shaking and absolutely mortified that someone will notice.
But that didn't happen.Yesterday was a pretty good day.