Why does my EX step-father always have to pop up when I've finally fucking moved on?!?!?! Like what the Hell!!! I am just sick and tired of seeing and hearing from him and just EVERYTHING!!! He called my phone just yesterday and of fucking course it got me thinking of the past and all the crappy f-ing things in my life! Why did mom just simply switch the home phone's number to my cell phone?!?!? Now he has my fucking number! He probably thinks it's the home number but STILL!! He can call anytime he f-ing wants to and there is really nothing I can do about it… I mean, I could simply not pick up but…. what if it's something important… or it's for my mom… then again like she really wants to really talk to him either….

It just… it makes me mad… and sad… depressed… and hurt. I've spent almost a half a year to try and get him out of my head and honestly out of my heart… Right as I suceeded, he comes into the picture once again. It may have only been for a couple minutes but it's enough honestly…. He was my father. Since my real father stepped out of my life when I was 2, he was all I had. And now he is gone. I was fine with that! I really was honestly! I have other people that TRULY care about me and show it through gentle actions, instead of beating me…. (another story). Though a simple phone call and he has wedged himself back into my mind, making me second guess whether I should reconsider everything… But I just… I can't… He abused me. I shouldn't love him…. but he was all I had…. he was always there for me…. Why do I love him? I just…. I need to think and be alone…. That's how I decided everything in the first place. I know I can figure this out….

He is not the right father for me. He never has been…