So I haven’t written any thing in awhile…
Mostly because I have been getting by just fine… but things have taken a turn for me. I have had a rough two weeks and my ocd is making it even worse mentally.
It all started when I went to NYC with my boyfriend I had planned to whole trip out minute to minute place to place, only to have him forget tickets to a place we had planned to go….fine, whatever. Yes my plan got messed up and yes it bothered me but I was able to cope with it because he tends to relax me somewhat. So we proceed with our day and everything was going great until dinner. Then all hell broke loose (at least in my mind). The place I had planned on eating dinner wouldn’t let us in and I froze I had no idea what to do. I walked to Macys cold on the verge of tears and freaking out, thinking we can eat in the restaurant there… long wait. Then checked the cafeteria no seats… and right there in middle of macys i lost all control. I cried and became overwhelmed with shakes I had to force myself to sit and yet i still didn’t know what to do. I felt as if I had failed myself but more importantly I had felt like I failed him and I could help but repeating I don’t know what to do im sorry over and over . this was my first public break down (by public I mean more then 10 people )luckily for me my boyfriend is super good about all this and found a way to calm me… and the rest of the trip was quite successful….
Now i am currently in a state of helplessness…. I haven’t been able to see him in a while… just a hour here and there…. and its making for soo much frustration because i am unable to control the situation, which goes back to my need for everything to be planned. My bf is the opposite he doesnt plan more then 24 hours ahead and works almost night which makes it very hard for me to see him…this sounds like any typical issue couples could have but i know my ocd is only making it worse…because i cant control this, i cant plan my life, and i cant believe him when he says he misses me too so i keep asking and repeating myself and i can see he's getting annoyed but i cant stop. i want to stop.
