In school I have always been a quiet person. When I was having problems back in high school my therapist diagnosed me with social anxiety disorder.  Ever since I was very young all I ever wanted was to be in a happy relationship with someone (but that's probably a lot of us even though we sometimes don't like to admit it).   So as you can probably tell I've never really been good at approaching women, let alone carry on a good conversation when one of them talked to me first.   But besides the anxiety there has also been something else “unhealthy” about me and relationships. When I'm involved with someone (or even talking to a girl I'm interested in) I feel like I don't have any control over myself. I feel like a slave to my own emotions and thoughts.  I was talking to a girl online and it seemed to me like she was interested in talking to me at first…. If I got a message from her I immediately could feel a smile spread across my face. I even know not to feel so much happiness (or not to put high expectations in her) and try not to smile…. But I can't help it. I just let those feelings take me. And when she rejects me I take that as a huge hit, even with all the knowledge telling me why I should't feel sad inside my head. In my life I've only had one relationship with someone… and it ended terrible. I never really had the courage to hold her or take her hand when I was with her. We only kissed 2 times. And we had known each other for 4 months. When she wouldn't call or text me I confronted her about it. I never told her how I felt… Or that she was beautiful.  When she broke up with me she was shaking in tears saying “I can't take this anymore”. I never physically abused her, but a part of me does think that I abused her mentally. Why else would she have reacted in such a strong and negative way. I know now what I did wrong and what I could have done to make it right… but I'm single now and I'm thinking more clearly.  If I'm ever in a relationship with someone again I don't think I would be able to think so clearly as I do now…. and that frightens me… to know I don't have control over myself. If pushed far enough I would not be surprised if I did physically abuse someone.  I'm not angry at her or any woman. It's me and my own insecurities.  I never physically abused a woman, and I never want to.  It feels like there's a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on when I'm in a relationship.  I have all this knowledge about what's wrong with me… but probably all the knowledge gained for nothing without experience.   Even when I see a beautiful girl I want to talk to I get a negative feeling other than fear and anxiety. My best guess is that it's because of the control I know I might “lose” if I fall in love with her.  Sometimes I think I'm better off alone…  but if that's the case then why do I still have a strong desire to be with someone? 


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